Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 21 Jan 05)

Really Bad Signs That You're a 'Desperate Housewife'

You're married. (;; countless others) I think from this point forth, all "You're married" entries will garner no's just too must work harder...much much harder.

You're willing to "do" tract homes, and have the concrete marks on your back to prove it. (

Seducing, then marrying the landscaper...No, that's a 'STUPID Housewife'... (

You commit suicide, but continue doing voiceovers. (

You steal coupons from everyone's paper on the street. ( No no no - not THAT type of desperate.

You have actually implemented one or more designs you saw on "Trading Spaces". ( Very deserate indeed...but again...not the type we were looking for.

You're sluttier than the average prime-time soap opera actress. (

I'm starting to dress like Nicolette Sheridan. God help me. ( Me too, Ralph. Me too.

Run out of house naked screaming "Kill the spider!" to the construction workers across the street. (

Screwing in a light bulb gets you and the bulb hot. (

To you he's 'Wil-yummmmmmm Hung'. ( Okay - I'm going to barf now.

You have the hots for your gardener who looks just like Lyle Lovett. (

Willing to send your bio to....( ( ...the preceding was a paid advertisement for the "Pimpin' for Dorr Corporation"...

You're married to Mickey Rooney. (

You're over 35. ( Hey, it's going to be YOU getting the hate mail...not me. ;)

Scanning HMO and wondering if Pootybrew or AirFarceWon is cuter. (

The Guinness Book of World Records has contacted you about your vibrator collection. (

Is actually having sex with your own husband desperate enough? ( I'd say.

You're cheating on the mailman with the gardener. (

Should I say "You run an Internet interactive humor web site?" Nah. Cheap shot. ( No...but I AM desperate enough to pick this entry.

You ask your husband for something kinky and he tangles up the garden hose. (

You are thinking of burning down your own house not for the insurance, but because it would be easier than cleaning it. ( That's not desperate, that's called a single guy. Hmmmm...nah...then I'd have to sweep up all those ashes.

You're in the process of suing the show, because you're absolutely positive that one character is based on you. (

You keep smashing your tail light with a hammer as an excuse to flirt with the sexy garage mechanic. ( Oh yeah...Joey Buttafuoco's such a catch.

You pay the newspaper boy extra to throw the paper at the end of the driveway so you walk outside in your lingerie to get it. (

You WATCH 'Desperate Housewives' hoping to pick up tips. (

The winners:

Isn't this what they mean by 'continental divide'?...

Your plumber has an ass crack bigger than the US/Canadian border and it turns you on. (

"Getting the trash ready"...hmmm...usually I call it "putting on my face"...

A highlight of your week is getting the trash ready for the rubbish person to pick up. (