Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 23 Oct 03)

Really Bad Signs Your Town's Haunted House Isn't All That Scary

It's named "Igor's Horrible House of Building Code Violations." (

It's full of kindergarten classes on field trips. (

Gumby and Pokey own the house. ( Could be worse, at least it's not sock puppets.

Any house with a big pink neon sign saying "Wuvvy House" isn't going to be very haunted. (

The resident spirit is on Prozac. (

Geraldo Rivera has it booked as the next location for his upcoming show "Inside the Hidden House of Horror". ( At least it's not Shannen Doherty filming Scare Tactics.

The "Frankenstein" has to carry a sign saying "Not intended to infringe on intellectual property rights owned by Universal Pictures." (

The money scene? Mr. Hyde keying a Benz. (

Instead of the masked psycho with the chainsaw, it's just a hippy waving sporks. ( Not...SPORKS!!!!!!!

Richard Simmons is the "evil mummy". (

Homeless people are taking naps in every corner. (

The haunted house smells spookily of fresh baked cookies. (

Dead body surrounded by emptied Heinz ketchup packets. ( A step up from the Taco Bell salsa ones they used last year.

Really bad copy of "Monster Mash" only sound effects present. (

"Strom Thurmond's Gravesite" replaced with "Uma Thurman's bedside." Mmm... (

Instead of Freddy Kruger, your ghost is Fred Rogers... ( It's a scary day in the neighborhood...

Instead of rattling chains, the ghosts blow kazoos. (

You saw your dad and his new secretary come out of there and they looked happy. (

Instructed that when the whistle blows "lightly brush the back of your neck with your left hand". (

Moaning sounds were recorded, and donated by a phone-sex service. ( 1-900-BooJobs?

Old Pastor Thom just jumped out at me going "Boogey, boogey, boogey!", but recognized me and asked how my grandmother was doing. (

Grandpa's "Bad Breath of Death" not having the effect intended. (

The winners:

Hey, as long as he's too busy to TP my house, I'm fine with it:

As you enter, you are greeted with an adolescent voice that says "umm, like Boo". (

"Ooooooooh...I've come to cross-check you over to the other side."...

The Grim Reaper is holding his autographed Colorado Avalanche hockey stick. (