Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 23 Oct 03)

Really Bad Signs Your Town's Haunted House Isn't All That Scary

It's named "Igor's Horrible House of Building Code Violations." (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

It's full of kindergarten classes on field trips. (sballkuhns@yahoo.com)

Gumby and Pokey own the house. (PromiseNotKept@aol.com) Could be worse, at least it's not sock puppets.

Any house with a big pink neon sign saying "Wuvvy House" isn't going to be very haunted. (handarazuur@hotmail.com)

The resident spirit is on Prozac. (jenalt2001@yahoo.com)

Geraldo Rivera has it booked as the next location for his upcoming show "Inside the Hidden House of Horror". (randy.renner@juno.com) At least it's not Shannen Doherty filming Scare Tactics.

The "Frankenstein" has to carry a sign saying "Not intended to infringe on intellectual property rights owned by Universal Pictures." (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

The money scene? Mr. Hyde keying a Benz. (scalpel@aol.com)

Instead of the masked psycho with the chainsaw, it's just a hippy waving sporks. (rodentsRred@hotmail.com) Not...SPORKS!!!!!!!

Richard Simmons is the "evil mummy". (lanny888@yahoo.com)

Homeless people are taking naps in every corner. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

The haunted house smells spookily of fresh baked cookies. (SNaash@aol.com)

Dead body surrounded by emptied Heinz ketchup packets. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) A step up from the Taco Bell salsa ones they used last year.

Really bad copy of "Monster Mash" only sound effects present. (AhOLHOL@aol.com)

"Strom Thurmond's Gravesite" replaced with "Uma Thurman's bedside." Mmm... (scalpel@aol.com)

Instead of Freddy Kruger, your ghost is Fred Rogers... (GerriHan65@aol.com) It's a scary day in the neighborhood...

Instead of rattling chains, the ghosts blow kazoos. (omega47@usa.com)

You saw your dad and his new secretary come out of there and they looked happy. (trmp1@bellsouth.net)

Instructed that when the whistle blows "lightly brush the back of your neck with your left hand". (iRonni@msn.com)

Moaning sounds were recorded, and donated by a phone-sex service. (guitartexn@aol.com) 1-900-BooJobs?

Old Pastor Thom just jumped out at me going "Boogey, boogey, boogey!", but recognized me and asked how my grandmother was doing. (gonnabmeeee@aol.com)

Grandpa's "Bad Breath of Death" not having the effect intended. (woactome@yahoo.com)

The winners:

Hey, as long as he's too busy to TP my house, I'm fine with it:

As you enter, you are greeted with an adolescent voice that says "umm, like Boo". (dakotadave57104@yahoo.com)

"Ooooooooh...I've come to cross-check you over to the other side."...

The Grim Reaper is holding his autographed Colorado Avalanche hockey stick. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)