Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 23 Sep 03)

Really Bad Ways to Lose 52 Pounds

Go on a hunger strike until Reality TV craze ends. (Omegamagezero@aol.com)

Cut off your lower torso. You will need the upper half to see how much weight you've lost. (lacee7700@aol.com)

Remove my breast implants. (xflcheerleaders@hotmail.com) It's nice to see Pamela Anderson can read well enough to submit entries here.

Penis reduction surgery. (StanYan1@aol.com) ...and Tommy Lee.

Smoke crack. Crackheads are always skinny. (watch4whales@yahoo.com)

Have water removed from your body. (This was actually done to my mother back in the 50's!) (marymarg27608@yahoo.com)

Eat ONLY Subway everyday for the rest of the year. (GentleWhisper612@aol.com) ...or, ON a subway...that should take care of your appetite!

Neck bomb. (mackiveli@sbcglobal.net)

Clean fingernails, toenails, and earwax. (Baitsmotel6@aol.com) What?! No navel??

Gas and matches. (flynnkj19@aol.com)

Now on eBay.....a 6-year old for sale. (skibip@aol.com; Fletcher_Sheet@hotmail.com) (Note to self: insert Michael Jackson reference here.)

Go to an Italian neighborhood, tell the first guy you see his sainted mama's gravy is watered down, then RUN LIKE HELL! (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

Go to an English betting parlor... (marcwwolf@aol.com) Ya know, had you spelled it "parlour", we would have picked your entry.

By paying an arm and a leg at the gas station for a fill-up. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

12-ounce beer curls until the pain is too much. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Turn on the Medical Channel during each meal. (MrglsJon@aol.com) "What a coincidence! WE'RE having liver, too..."

Eating 100 pounds of foods that are "half the calories". (BPaul317@aol.com)

The winners:

Hey, we'd have hooked you up to an IV...but that's only 6 points...

Eat only during the exciting parts of a Scrabble tournament. (seeker@vcoms.net)

Ohhh, I thought you were just happy to see me:

Sell that novelty Giant Pack of Cards. (laugh@starpower.net)