Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 24 Apr 04)

Really Bad Made Up Rules of Etiquette to Tell a Visitor to the US

Extended middle finger means "Can you repeat that, please? I didn't understand." ( Of all the "middle finger" entries...this was the least expected version.

All restaurants demand using a drinking straw to eat soups. (

That they have to leave their daughters behind. (

Tell visitors that Americans really dig having people conspicuously spit into their palms right before a handshake. ( As an alternative, it's also proper to stomp on their feet afterwards.

You must bow to everyone you pass on the street; EVERYONE! (

Officers of the law are very friendly, and like to see if you can grab their gun without them noticing it. (

All visitors to the US go on a SNIPE HUNT their first night here. (

It is considered a compliment to greet everyone with "your momma". ( Also, be respectful of their parental heritage by then asking "Who's your daddy?"

Breaking wind, followed by a good belch is a polite way of complimenting your dinner host. (

The rats in New York are an endangered species and are not to be touched. (

Restaurant food fights must follow rules of Geneva convention. ( Okay, I'm TRYING to write up this peace treaty...but the napkin keeps shredding...

Upon completion of a meal stab the steak knife into the table if you found the meal good. Particularly nice restaurants use cloths to disguise how well stabbed the tables really are! (

When someone has done a good job, pat them on the behind! (It helps to show clips of professional sports to solidify the custom.) (

Whenever using a public restroom you must yell out, "shakin' it here boss" until you are finished. ( And if he doesn't...would that be a "failure to communicate"?

It is customary to run for Governor of California while you are here. (

Always talk to people you meet in elevators, they may act surprised, but they're just happy. Oh and fart often in there too! ( ....and don't forget to scream, "We're all gonna die!!!", every time the doors shut.

It's polite to let everyone know you don't understand the money. That way, people can make sure you get the right change back. (

The winners:

Hey, afterall you only figured they needed a little more privacy...

When you find two people discussing business matters in a hallway, it is appropriate that you suggest they, "get a room." This is best done with a wink. (

Do this one, especially when dining out...

It's okay to burp after a meal as long as you say "That's the best roadkill I've ever ate". (