Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 24 Jun 05)

Really Bad Things Overheard During Tom Cruise's Press Conference in Paris, France

"What does Tom Cruise have to say that anyone gives a *@#& ....OH, is that Nicole?! Nicole, Nicole, over here!!" (

"I heard the engagement ring came off a VERY expensive cigar!" (

"You had me at 'Take those old records off the shelf...'" ( Don't be silly, that movie was out before she was born.

"Anybody got some mustard?" (

"Psst, Katie, go get me a Le Big Mac and some Freedom Fries." (

A rumor that Katie Holmes has been brainwashed by Scientologists into believing Tom Cruise is really 25 years old. ( It MUST be effective….Tom believes it, too.

"Kinda makes me wish I was back on the Jackson case." (

"I won't believe this is a REAL relationship until she asks him to take out the garbage." ( Hmmm...I could say something really mean about Katie Holmes...but...uh...she's no Mimi Rogers. Ouch! Did I say that??

"You don't have to be a rocket, or even Christian Scientist, to see this one's a dud." (

"Don't worry, Katie and I aren't going into this Eyes Wide Shut..(heh heh)" ( …followed by a masked reporter telling Tom, "Remove your clothes!"

Convincing the public that he really loves her. Otherwise known as Mission Impossible 3. (

"Katie, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, just because I am a Scientologist does not mean Stephen Hawking is marrying us." (

The word "amazing," like a zillion times. ( For the love of God...make them STOP!!!!!

"Well, I converted another one to Scientology." (

"Why do I have to get dragged out of bed just because he got lucky in his?" ( Okay, it's time to explain the facts of life, dear. See, when a boy celebrity and a girl celebrity each have a summer movie coming out, they perform a natural, beautiful act known as a "publicity stunt"…

"I think Tom's been doing some whisky business!" (

"Do you plan to not be gay for this one, too?" ( Not that there's anything wr...wait...that would be there's something wrong with that...uh...oh forget it.

"I see Tom Cruise is here with his daughter..." (

"Hey, didn't we used to take this guy seriously?" ( I think he jumped the shark about the same time he jumped on Oprah's sofa.

"We agree, Monsieur are, indeed, to acting what Scientology is to religion." (

The winners:

I'm sure it was just a slip of the dumb…errrr, I mean, 'tongue'...

"This is the only girl I've ever loved, I'm not Kidman.....I mean, kidding, you." (

Please, don't encourage him...

"Tom! Who do you plan on being engaged to for your next film?" (