Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 24 May 03)

Really Bad Signs You're Having a Mid-life Crisis

You go to get your nipple pierced and they pierce your navel instead (they're both in the same location). (

You wind up in the hospital with a broken neck because your ponytail got caught in the spokes of your motorcycle. (

Too late for a mid-life about a late-life crisis? ( Sure, how's this Tuesday for you?

You wear your slippers out, forget to rinse out your L'oreal Preference, drop off your son at cheerleading, your daughter at football practice go to the bank and ask for stamps, deposit a check at the post office, and the Walgreens store leaves a message on your phone saying your HRT (hormone replacement therapy) patches will not be in for another week. (

I feel like the morning after the nite before and I haven't been anywhere. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM) I think that means you are just getting old.

You're currently filming the third installment of a 20-year-old franchise that never really needed a sequel. (

You keep repeating things that you've repeating things that you've already said. (

"Is it SUPPOSED to look like that?" ( That's especially bad if you're talking to yourself.."

You don't think it is appropriate for Brittany Spears to dress in such a provocative manor, but you still want to f*** her. (

Are you blond? Are you pierced? Are you tattooed? If so, you're either a twenty year old woman, or you're having a mid-life crisis. (

There's a Razor scooter in the trunk of your Porsche. ( Unfortunately it's parked outside your mobile home.

You are obsessed with this HMO website and when you don't place in a category, you cry. (

Just fell over your supplies of Rogaine, Viagra, and Atkin's diet books and broke your hip. (

You stop deleting those penis enlargement e-mails. ( To quote a very wise scholar: "Is it SUPPOSED to look like that?"

You attempt to "rap" in order to be "kewl" and "down wit it," but you only wind up sounding like George Bush trying to say "prestidigitation". (

You tuck in your shirt, suck in your belly and slap on aftershave when your teenage daughter brings her friends over. ( You'll be okay, you've just watched "American Beauty" one too many times.

You believe every woman thinks you have pussability. (

You want your 50th birthday party to be at Chucky Cheese. (

The winners:

If you think this is bad, you should see me on "double coupon" day:

When the grocer asks you if you want paper or plastic you start crying. (

Oddly enough, the rollover factor for both are the same...

I traded in my 57 for a 27. Oh, and I got a new car, too. (