Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 25 Sep 04)

Really Bad Signs You Just Might Have Too Many Pets

You stare at this topic for five hours and try to decide if 235 cats is really too many or not. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

When you get 47 Industrial Strength Air Fresheners at your Surprise Birthday Party from all your friends. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

You find yourself trying to determine whether it is hamster poop or a raisin. (william.fishburne@verizon.net) Well, there's only one way to find out..."Uh...Jimmy...Daddy wants you to taste something!"

You don't so much have a school of fish as a university. (chharget@aol.com)

The County Health Department has your phone number on speed-dial. (AuntShecky711@aol.com) So does the zoologist who always appears on "The Tonight Show".

Purina gave you 100 shares of stock for being their best customer. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

Your business sideline is gardening fertilizer....and you work out of your living room. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com; tphyll@aol.com)

Every time you go to swat a fly you wind up hitting something with a name. ("Oh, sorry Fluffy - and you too, Gerz!") (HerzogVon@aol.com) Hey! Don't kill that...something can eat it, you dork!

Your neighbors have stopped calling you "the crazy cat lady" and now refer to you as "the crazy cat, turtle, gerbil, parakeet, hamster, rabbit, guinea pig, and salamander lady." (dart270@geocities.com)

Inability to think up new names has led to 'Iggy IV', 'Saddam III', & 'Pope John XXIII'. (Seeker@vcoms.net; archerjoe@hotmail.com)

I will have to get back to you, I need to shovel out the petting zoo. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com) ...or, as it used to be called, the garage.

A sign appears on your lawn: Warning! Human may be dangerous! (tphyll@aol.com)

They want to use your place to film "Joe's Apartment, the Reality Show". (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

Koreans are trying to buy a home near yours. (dorr@jam.rr.com) Before you do the "collective groan"...I did live in Korea for two years...I loved it...and hell, I'm sure I ate dog...and it was tasty, dammit!

Your neighbours are getting very uneasy, especially since your husband's name just happens to be Noah. (lacee7700@aol.com)

You've run out of floor space, so you buy geckos that you can keep on the ceiling. (dart270@geocities.com) Uh...you've been spying on us??

It takes 6 months to sing "Old MacDonald" using your animals. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

You go out and search for that "Two baby zebras" insurance policy. (Electronicwaffle@yahoo.com) Okay, so you actually read AND remember entries...a kudo for you.

Bob Barker mentions you by name at the end of "The Price is Right". (astae@paoinline.com)

One of your shirts doesn't have any cat hair on it. Well, not that much, anyway. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

You can't 3oedu... You can never aiawoa,... You alw ;apoeja; Dammit! Stay off the keyboard!!! (astae@paonline.com) I'm just hoping mine doesn't hit the "delete" key on my archives...yeah...I have my worries...life can sometimes be a real bitch...get it - "bitch"...female dog...oh, forget it.

Clairol offers outsourcing contract for animal testing. (Seeker@vcoms.net)

You tell them to roll over and play dead...and half of them already are! (maxcel200@aol.com) Hey, don't glare at me animal lovers, I didn't write it!

Your home decor? Wall to wall Fang Shui. (maxcel200@aol.com)

The guy you took home last night calls back to say he wants to do it again on your vibrating bed with the fur comforter. (tackajoey@aol.com) "Oh, and by the way...when you get real excited you squeal like a chipmunk, cat, dog, and a guinea pig."

Rover, "er" Fido, I mean Mini, "shit" Mouser, damn it to hell, John git yer ass over here, I need yer help gittin' this plow lined up. (ubinrude@peoplepc.com)

The winners:

Dude, you are in for nine lives' worth of torture....

You have a cat. (william.fishburne@verizon.net; rampage1984@msn.com)

Okay, stop the presses...I doubt anyone's gonna beat this...we have our new unofficial "Pun Winner of the Year", I'm sure...(hey, but don't let that deter you)...

Court action against having so many pets: It's arraigning cats and dogs. (maxcel200@aol.com)