Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 26 Nov 03)

Really Bad Signs You Are Never Going To Be Chosen People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive'

Your thighs remind McDonald's patrons to order fish fillet. (

When you tell a woman you are a candidate for sexiest man alive, she just gives you that pitiful smile. (

Johnny Depp exists. (

The soup kitchen makes you eat in the back room. ( Yes, making the derelicts vomit...kinda blows your chance right there.

The warts on my face are sometimes mistaken for Braille. (

They asked if I was confusing "horniest" with "sexiest". (

In "Behind the Green Door" you played the part of the door. ( Actually, no, I played the part of "Behind"...

You've been known to comb your ear hair across your bald head. (

Homeless people give you their change. (

Most published pictures of you have the word "before" scrawled underneath them. ( Hey, at least you're getting published!  Even your wedding photos?

Being black and blue from being touched by ten foot poles. (

Your name is Clint Howard. ( Anyone else freaked out by the idea that Ron is the "handsome" one?

Well, you feel you could be a contender, but you don't think you'll have your entire back shaved in time. (

Depp, Pitt, and Clooney can all easily fit into your pants at the same time. ( Well, if you cross Clooney off this list...sounds like a damn good time to me! ;)

You look like Bill Gates, but you don't have his money. (

I'm just not a "People person". (

The winners:

Not to worry - I am sure Fox will come out with "Mr. Butt Ugly" any day now...

You received a rejection letter to be on "Joe Average". (

She happens to be an excellent kisser...dancer! I meant dancer!...

You had to take your mother to your senior prom. (