Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 27 Dec 04)

Really Bad Signs You Aren't Exactly a Pro When It Comes to Holiday Decorating

Can't hang your icicle lights yet because you don't have any icicles on the gutters. (

Empty wine bottles on every tree limb in front yard. (

A minute after I finished decorating the tree threw itself into the fireplace. ( It was a mercy killing...

There's a star in the cat food and your cat has a tree up his ass. (

You're married. (Just testing your theory) ( Smartass.  But a smartass who actually reads my blurbies, at least.

You use a lawn jockey for one of the Three Wise Men. (

Panty hose hung by the chimney with care. (

One of those pickup box trailers makes a good Santa sleigh on the front lawn. If it's up on blocks, looks even better. ( It's a red SUIT, not a red NECK!

Lawyers gather across the street from your house and just wait for the accident. Side bets are taken whether it will be a ladder fall, electrocution or tumble from the roof. (

You watch "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" for the "how to's" and decorating ideas. (

Your "tinsel" is just strips of used tinfoil from the bottom of the oven. ( You mean the kind you have to actually peel off the bottom of the oven? They aren't good unless it's those kinds.

You put out a bowl of hotdogs and pennies for <Frankinsence> Okay I know this sucks but it made me laugh :) (

Aluminum, aluminum, aluminum!! (

This black cat sitting on a pumpkin looks very Christmas-y to me. ( And look, Mrs. Claus is in her black dress, riding her holiday broom, and delivering the toys this year!!!

Uh, that's art - it's called "ball of Christmas lights". (

Metrosexual Santa doesn't seem to be too popular with the neighborhood. ( But he was a hit at the Barney's New York window display...what gives????

Your neighbors offered to decorate your house again this year. (;

Your blinking lights say "LIVE NUDE GIRLS!" ( Better than those dead ones, I always say.

The Santa outfit just doesn't seem to fit the SpongeBob SquarePants figure on your roof. (

The Christmas lights in the pool are a DEAD giveaway. ( A play on words or are you trying to tell us something?

I just tell them the lights are unplugged, that's why they're not lit. (

The winners:

Remember, during the holidays--good things come in small, small packages...

Stocking, jockstrap, whatever. (

Just like a blinking clock - well, a digital one with the a.m./p.m. year/date thing on's right once a year...

The kids say 'trick or treat' when you answer the door. (