Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 27 Jul 05)

Really Bad Signs You Will Never Be a Best-Selling Children's Book Author

"I'm almost finished honey. I just need a good rhyme for eviscerated." (

At book signings, the only activity you really engage in is a staring contest with a six year old. (

Your name is Michael Jackson and you only make pop-up books. (

If you write a children's cookbook in which they are the main ingredient. (

Your name is "Moe Lester". ( I'm still scared about that "Murdoctor" name.

You are site administrator for (

I get writer's block signing checks. (

"Alice in Weinerland" is probably not a good title for a children's book. ( …by the author of "Charlie and the Shock-Treatment Factory"…

During the illustrations process, you start off drawing eyes but they end up as boobs. (

You change your name to J. K. "Robling" just to confuse people. (

Self-publishing seven volume set of rejection letters from every publisher to which you've submitted. (

There is no call for a children's book for autopsies. ( CSI: Hansel and Gretel? Hey, they weren't called "The Brothers Grimm" for nothing.

Write a book with no sex, violence, or violent sex? Kiss my ass! (

Expelled from creative writing class for scribbling nasty graffiti about Dr. Seuss. ( You put WHAT in his green eggs and ham???

Your illustration credits include "Caligula" and the Kama Sutra. (

You've been personally selected to write Paris Hilton's memoirs. (

Publishers keep rejecting your latest effort, "Jack and the Beans Talk" ( Talk? EVERYONE knows that beans are musical!

My manuscript, "Harry Potter and the Hot Prod of Ecstasy" has yet to find an agent. (

The hero of the story has just been released from alcohol rehab. (

Every children's story you write ends up with the words "gurgle" and "slash" by the third page. (

Your first writing attempt began with the sentence: "Once upon a time, there was a majestic multitude of seraphim who harmonized, chorally, in polyphonic synchronicity." ( Ah, the lost lyric for that Police song.

Chances are they won't let you out on parole just to do some stupid book signing. (

When attempting to write books in verse
My talents take a turn for the worse
But limericks and prose,
I can sure handle those
And guess what, I don't even curse. (

First book: "Larry Kotter and the Philosopher's Rock"; Second book: "Copyright Law: A Cautionary Tale". (

As a three time Bulwer-Lytton winner, you've never been able to make it past that first sentence. ( Hey, I only entered once...I only won once. Yes, that was another self-serving shameless plug...I gotta grab them when I can...but the new winner should be announced ANY day now.

Kids just don't get physics theories like they used to. (

You can't even write a check without including several vulgarities. ( Usually I just mutter mine.

Because every time I submit a manuscript, somebody "Seuss" me. (

You find it difficult to express the innocent wonder of childhood without resorting to prison lingo. (

Stephen King offered this chilling one-line review of your book: "This sh*t creeped me out!" (

The winners:

Ah, sweet irony...

Your name is Madonna. . . oh wait. Crap. Nevermind. (

I think this was the alternate ending to Disney's 'Hercules: Zero to Hero'...and woulda been better, actually...

You have a tendency to end all of your stories with "...and so the gods devoured them all with some delicious cheese." (