Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 28 Mar 05)

Really Bad Changes/Questions On the Newly Designed SATs

Now a mandatory first question: "Bill Gates doesn't have a college degree: DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?" (maxcel200@aol.com)

"Which is faster...to New York or by train?" (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

"Match the following objects to their pierced body part." (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

You can now take the SATs by text message. (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com) Or at home at your computer?

They now require that you say, "And that's my final answer" at the end of the test so that they can key into the game show crowd. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

"Explain what the acronym 'SAT' means." (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

Students now have to spell their first AND last names correctly. (topsquark@yahoo.com)

"How much wood [a) extremely dense fibrous plant matter used in the building and paper industries] could a woodchuck [b) also groundhog, Latin name marmota monax] chuck [c) verb meaning to throw or propel] if a woodchuck [see note b] could [d) was able to] chuck [see note c] wood [see note a]." (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com) Geez...no wonder they give you more time.

An updated math question involves calculating the number of brain cells required to appreciate Paris Hilton's celebrity. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

All the phonics are in ebonics. (maxcel200@aol.com)

"What type of broom do you like to push?" (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

New section for star athletes asks students to spell SAT. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com) "Uh, no, Ox you can NOT look at the front cover sheet for a hint!"

Oh boy; it's been so long I can't remember what kind of questions they asked. Got a hint? [ An entry, or a pathetic cry for help? You be the judge. ] (HerzogVon@aol.com)

You and your parents must now sign a waiver holding no one responsible for carpal tunnel syndrome. (ubinrude@peoplepc.com)

The most important question of all "Are All fleeps flips?" is no where to be found. (Electronicwaffle@yahoo.com)

To make it more appealing to today's youth, they are changing the name to the T&A's. (guitartexn@aol.com) You mean the SAT&A's, don't you? ;)

Acknowledging the influence of the Internet, test designers have added a "Hot or Not" section. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

"Write the numerical sequence of the total number of Jennifer Lopez's boyfriends. Use additional paper if you need more space." (skibip@aol.com)

Although the odd numbered questions are still answered with a Number 2 pencil, the even numbered ones must now be answered with a Number 1 pencil. (Jdoveraz@aol.com) Uh...technically...shouldn't it be the other way around? I am soooo confused.

Identify the incorrectly used verbs in the following sentence: "Is you is or is you ain't my baby?" a. you b. ain't c. my d. baby e. a or b, but not c f. a and b (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

"Tom the Shortstop has 27cc of steroids. If it takes 3cc of juice to obtain maximum muscle mass effect, how many boosters has Tom scored?" (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

"With college costs rising by 35% and health care costs rising 60% what kind of dog food will your parents be eating in 2011? a) Purina; b) Walmart; c) Eukanuba; d) No dog food just kitty litter oatmeal" (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how did you get this far you ADD having punk? (e-marlon@sio.midco.com)

Product placements. For instance, instead of two trains leaving the station at the same time, the question will involve a Buick and a Lexus going for a ride in the country. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

"SHIZZLE is to BLING as FAZIZZLE is to..." (mimsydivine@earthlink.net) Homeys? Peeps? My crew, yo?

How about a really GOOD question for college hopefuls to ponder?: "If exit polls are accurate within 5% pts. and they predict Kerry to win the given precinct by 10%, how is it that Bush winds up taking it by 15%? Or, put differently, who do you have to pay to rig a presidential election?" (rockitower@aol.com)

"Your baby's daddy has 4 children by 3 other women and you have 2 children by other men of which 1 may be your baby's daddy's brother. What is the probability some of your children are cousins?" (lynder_mh@yahoo.com)

Your first taste of the real world at the bottom of the test: "If you don't pass this test we can help you sue your High School." (Burns and Jeffries, Attorneys at Law) (maxcel200@aol.com) Take a look at this testimonial...a Mr. G.W. Bush had this to say: "I flunked and Burns and Jeffries got me $1.5 million plus some presidency...well, okay...my Dad helped, too!"

The new "Well, if YOU don't know, I'm sure not going to tell you" option. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Sample question on the writing part: "Define the universe and give two examples." (rod.renner@juno.com)

The winners:

Something tells me that HMOers are headed for the Ivy League schools...

Part 4: The new Origami section. A timed test to create 3 animals figures using your scrap paper only. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

"Damn...not ANOTHER math problem...and I was SOOOO close to passing, too"...

The new essay question: "Grading SATs is a very low-paying job. If you were to receive an undeserved 1600, how much would you pay and where would you leave the money?" (changetion@gmail.com)