Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 28 Sep 03)

Really Bad Signs You Don't Have the Best Cable Provider

The installation guy tries to sell you a dish. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

The name "Bubba" appears anywhere in the title or board of directors list. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

I have to hold a tin pie plate in order to get some of the channels. (archerjoe@hotmail.com) Well, that explains the $500 bill from "Pies-R-Us.com", I guess.

For the third day in a row, every channel is covering the 'War between the Black and White Dots'. (mr_didgers@hotmail.com)

Their set-top box is a converted 8-track tape player. (funandgames@jeremiah2911.org)

Your favorite prime time shows acted out for your viewing pleasure on... The Marionette Channel. (Autumneagl@yahoo.com) Well, you didn't think there weren't any strings attached, did you??

This month on the movie channel: "Ishtar", "Glitter", and a Pauly Shore festival. (MrglsJon@aol.com)

Three of your neighbors have their cable line connected to the box mounted on the outside of your house. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

The Superbowl is pre-empted by a rerun of Dirty Dancing. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com) He's so studly in that film...gotta love Jerry Orbach!

The installer showed up in a company Cable Installation/Plumbing/Heating & Air/Custom Painting vehicle. (Autumneagl@yahoo.com)

The only time the TV comes in clearly is when the "Can you hear me now?" guy is on. (nhtx@aol.com)

Lifetime and ESPN2 share the same channel - on alternate days. (HerzogVon@aol.com) It's that new "his and her" feature.

Installer hangs around your house at odd hours doing Really Bad Jim Carrey impressions. (kamasushi@aol.com)

Their "Spice" channel is about cooking. (iRonni@msn.com)

M*A*S*H is advertised as one of their new shows. (jdcoops3@aol.com) Could be worse. Ever hear of AfterM*A*S*H*?

Not paying your bill results in a visit from Guido. (Mistahtom@aol.com; arch_deceiver@hotmail.com)

Your basic package includes the Convenience Store Security Camera Channel. (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com) Hell, that's probably more interesting than what my 8 HBOs are showing this month anyway.

The cable coming out of the wall looks suspiciously like the jump start cables missing from your garage. (d_lofland@hotmail.com)

You ask them to upgrade your package and they send you a sock. (RasGold@aol.com)

The winners:

Hey, come on! This sounds like a Really Good:

Instead of Comedy Central, you get HumorMeOnTV. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

You know, they probably wouldn't even "get" this entry here where I live...

You call them with a technical problem and they tell you to "think outside the box." (RasGold@aol.com)