Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 28 Sep 03)

Really Bad Signs You Don't Have the Best Cable Provider

The installation guy tries to sell you a dish. (

The name "Bubba" appears anywhere in the title or board of directors list. (

I have to hold a tin pie plate in order to get some of the channels. ( Well, that explains the $500 bill from "", I guess.

For the third day in a row, every channel is covering the 'War between the Black and White Dots'. (

Their set-top box is a converted 8-track tape player. (

Your favorite prime time shows acted out for your viewing pleasure on... The Marionette Channel. ( Well, you didn't think there weren't any strings attached, did you??

This month on the movie channel: "Ishtar", "Glitter", and a Pauly Shore festival. (

Three of your neighbors have their cable line connected to the box mounted on the outside of your house. (

The Superbowl is pre-empted by a rerun of Dirty Dancing. ( He's so studly in that film...gotta love Jerry Orbach!

The installer showed up in a company Cable Installation/Plumbing/Heating & Air/Custom Painting vehicle. (

The only time the TV comes in clearly is when the "Can you hear me now?" guy is on. (

Lifetime and ESPN2 share the same channel - on alternate days. ( It's that new "his and her" feature.

Installer hangs around your house at odd hours doing Really Bad Jim Carrey impressions. (

Their "Spice" channel is about cooking. (

M*A*S*H is advertised as one of their new shows. ( Could be worse. Ever hear of AfterM*A*S*H*?

Not paying your bill results in a visit from Guido. (;

Your basic package includes the Convenience Store Security Camera Channel. ( Hell, that's probably more interesting than what my 8 HBOs are showing this month anyway.

The cable coming out of the wall looks suspiciously like the jump start cables missing from your garage. (

You ask them to upgrade your package and they send you a sock. (

The winners:

Hey, come on! This sounds like a Really Good:

Instead of Comedy Central, you get HumorMeOnTV. (

You know, they probably wouldn't even "get" this entry here where I live...

You call them with a technical problem and they tell you to "think outside the box." (