Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 2 Mar 04)

Really Bad Signs You Aren't Exactly "Suzy Homemaker"

You have actually tested out the theory that a "watched pot" never boils. (

The only appliance your idea of "making dinner" a telephone. (

Why can't I mix Bleach and Amoni...[THUD] ( Now don't try this at home, kids...especially mine.

To convince your husband the house is clean, you get him drunk. (

Your idea of housework is writing a check for the maid. (

You spend all day working on your website and making origami creations. ( Smartass...anyway, my son makes the origamis.

Not only can you not find your child's shoes in the morning, you can't find your child. (

You scare the holy crap out of the dogs when you fire up the vacuum cleaner because they've never heard that sound before. (

You aren't being charged with insider training as soon as you hoped to. ( Who's being trained, and what're they inside of?

Your gingerbread men are known to have a mysterious third leg. (

When preparing a home-cooked meal, the choices are Stouffer's or Hungry Man. (

The mountain of dishes in the sink looks clean only because the cockroaches have scoured every last bit of food off of them. (

Saddam wants to move in. ( Hell, Osama could be hiding here...under all this crap, he'd NEVER be found!

You've been picked to provide the last meal for inmates on death row in order to save on the cost of the actual execution. (

You don't stop adding Mr. Clean till you've got a nice buzz going. (

You can tell the age of your furniture by counting the uncoastered drink "rings" on it... (

My picture's on the cover of "Badder Homes and Gardens". ( Yeah, but "bad" is slang for "good", right?

There's milk standing in your refrigerator and it isn't even in a container. (

You're 35 and still use an Easy Bake. (

You use breast milk in your husband's coffee cuz it's there and easy to aim. ( Easy to aim?...Hell, it's the women's equivalent to the urinal...well, kinda...sorta.

You suddenly notice you're putting a diaper on a plate, the ham is in the dishwasher and you can't find the baby (but dinner's almost ready). (

The vacuum salesman brings people to your house for his demonstrations. (

You leave the house during your husband's poker party because you "can't stand being around those neat freaks". (

Your souffles explode before you put them in the oven. ( "Uh, honey...I don't think that's what he means when he says 'Bam!' on every show...."

The silence is deafening whenever you ask the kids who wants to lick the spoon this time? (

My home remedy for all that wheezing and hacking of the flu or colds my family gets is three parts whiskey and one part honey. After I down two of those, I don't hear any of that crap. (

The winners:

"And those bathrooms? I'd kill for mine to look like that!..."

You remark how clean the movie theater floor is in comparison to your own. (

Yank hers away!...

You're certain that you saw a "Gravy Boat" at the Marina Show last weekend. (