Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 30 Jan 03)

Really Bad Warning Statements For the New "Nicotine Reduced" Cigarettes

These cigarettes cause gullibility in desperate smokers. (

We lied to you before.... We'll lie to you again.... Buy a pack of "Show me your money" cigarettes. (

Warning: Your fingers will only turn half as yellow as with regular cigarettes. (

Warning: You'll live an extra 5 years, but spend 20,000 more dollars doing it. Have a nice day! ( Per year, you mean.

Due to the much shorter length of these cigarettes, nose may be burned during lighting. (

Warning: Do NOT sell to minors - unless you really want to. (

Breathe easy with Camels, half the nicotine, twice the slow agonizing death. Save points on every package you can get a free iron lung !!!!! ( Iron, huh? Cool, that sounds much better than a boring old regular lung...

Warning: You might have to smoke these with a nicotine patch. (

First pack's free, kids! ( ...and when your father makes you smoke the whole pack after catching problem!

Warning: May be hazardous to your list of addictions. (

The Surgeon General warns smoking these can make you look like Janet Reno. ( And drinking can make Janet look like Madonna.

Surgeon General has determined these cigarettes will kill you. But it will be a longer and more painful death. (

Smoking may cause reduced birth weight in newborns, which means fewer stretched out vaginas. ( Hey, NOW that's the ticket...warnings with an optimistic twist.

C'mon and try one! Really, that's all you'll ever want. (

You can smoke twice as much! (

Warning: Less nicotine does NOT mean less horribly painful lung caner (actually it means more since we replaced the nicotine with rat poison). ( NOW we're talking 'bout some fun!

All of the danger, none of the pleasure. (

The fatality rate of this product has not yet been determined. ENJOY! ( Well, at least not in humans...see below...

Warning: Not approved for use by humans. (

Warning: nicotine reduced cigarettes will not reduce the chance of being nagged by self-righteous ex-smokers. (

The winners...

Burning your lungs AND a hole in your wallet:

May be hazardous to your wealth. (

Uh, honey...good news...the Surgeon General says I can smoke again!

Only good after 'pleasure reduced' sex. (