Banter provided by Cad and Leis
(updated 30 Jan 03)
Really Bad Warning Statements For the New "Nicotine Reduced" Cigarettes
These cigarettes cause gullibility in desperate smokers. (email@example.com)
We lied to you before.... We'll lie to you again.... Buy a pack of "Show me your money" cigarettes. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Warning: Your fingers will only turn half as yellow as with regular cigarettes. (email@example.com)
Warning: You'll live an extra 5 years, but spend 20,000 more dollars doing it. Have a nice day! (firstname.lastname@example.org) Per year, you mean.
Due to the much shorter length of these cigarettes, nose may be burned during lighting. (email@example.com)
Warning: Do NOT sell to minors - unless you really want to. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)
Breathe easy with Camels, half the nicotine, twice the slow agonizing death. Save points on every package you can get a free iron lung !!!!! (firstname.lastname@example.org) Iron, huh? Cool, that sounds much better than a boring old regular lung...
Warning: You might have to smoke these with a nicotine patch. (Mistahtom@aol.com)
First pack's free, kids! (email@example.com) ...and when your father makes you smoke the whole pack after catching you...no problem!
Warning: May be hazardous to your list of addictions. (Mistahtom@aol.com)
The Surgeon General warns smoking these can make you look like Janet Reno. (SSCompose@aol.com) And drinking can make Janet look like Madonna.
Surgeon General has determined these cigarettes will kill you. But it will be a longer and more painful death. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Smoking may cause reduced birth weight in newborns, which means fewer stretched out vaginas. (Truckerex@wmconnect.com) Hey, NOW that's the ticket...warnings with an optimistic twist.
C'mon and try one! Really, that's all you'll ever want. (email@example.com)
You can smoke twice as much! (Cantw82paint@aol.com)
Warning: Less nicotine does NOT mean less horribly painful lung caner (actually it means more since we replaced the nicotine with rat poison). (firstname.lastname@example.org) NOW we're talking 'bout some fun!
All of the danger, none of the pleasure. (email@example.com)
The fatality rate of this product has not yet been determined. ENJOY! (firstname.lastname@example.org) Well, at least not in humans...see below...
Warning: Not approved for use by humans. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)
Warning: nicotine reduced cigarettes will not reduce the chance of being nagged by self-righteous ex-smokers. (email@example.com)
Burning your lungs AND a hole in your wallet:
May be hazardous to your wealth. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Uh, honey...good news...the Surgeon General says I can smoke again!
Only good after 'pleasure reduced' sex. (Kayvotr@aol.com)