Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 30 Jan 04)

Really Bad Signs You Aren't Exactly Mr/Ms Right

You leave the toilet seat up cause you think it's funny when your girlfriend's butt splashes the water. (dzed68@yahoo.com)

Your boyfriend constantly asks why you're following him when he sees his friends. (watch4whales@yahoo.com)

A photo of you is featured on "Photolaughs". (iRonni@msn.com) Okay, fess up...just how many of you out there are shown?

Your role model is Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons." (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

Still wearing "Underoos". (iRonni@msn.com)

You are reading through the News of the Weird columns looking for grist for HMO when you notice your own name. Twice. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Four out of 5 of your multiple personalities include a dweeb, an unsanitary longshoreman, a telemarketer and a politician. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net) 4 out of 5....they don't, by any chance chew Trident gum, do they?

Brittany dumped you after a day of wedded bliss (NodMyChin@sbcglobal.net)

Next to me Ron Popeil is a dream date. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

Not me, exactly, but her. She asked me out. At her favorite cafe, I counted to myself how many times she could use the word "like" inappropriately in a sentence. When I reached 100, I like, totally stood up, and like dissed her, in front of all her, like friends, and I like totally left her. She was ordering, like a Whopper, but I don't want any, like meat on it, and I like totally cant stand the bun, cause that is like carbs... (chough3499@aol.com) Like, what's your problem?

Every day, you find all of your stuff on the curb, and every day, you put it right back. (scalpel@aol.com)

If you're gold chains get painfully caught in your exposed chest hair. (darkmanwork@hotmail.com)

You ditch your boyfriend to hang out with guys who just happen to be sexy and single. (pizzafreak48076@aol.com)

Two words... leisure suit! (darkmanwork@hotmail.com) Now hold on a minute here...I resemble that remark...

You run out of gas on the freeway on your first date...on your way to a Civil War Reenactment...In costume. (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

I'm already planning on how to off him after we get married for the insurance money. (saxonraerae7@aol.com)

You know, I sat here for half an hour trying to think of one, and then it hit me... (hollowvoice@hotmail.com) Hey, I'm always sitting here......uh...nevermind.

Your Star Wars action figures are doing your Barbie doll collection. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

I'm gonna propose to the first lady that doesn't cause the howling voices in my head to demand her sacrifice. (monetmonet@artlover.com)

You ask what he's planned for valentine's and he replies 'taking Jenny to the flicks'. Your name is Susan. (actonski@aol.com) Hey, in my defense, "Jenny" is a VERY common name!

First dates are excruciatingly uneasy with the oft chance that the ugly "Have you ever killed anybody?" question surfaces. (razcactus@netzero.com)

Your idea of holding a steady job is 1-3 weeks. (pizzafreak48076@aol.com)

The hallway to the bedroom is littered with guitar amps and the remains of dead computers. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) This is just TOO scary...you don't live here, do you??

You bring a "2-for-1" coupon to use on the first date. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

You pick her up...in your taxi. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

The winners:

Okay, if you don't get it, here's a hint: Think "Arsenic and Old Lace." Then remove the words 'Old Lace'."...

Your eggs taste like almonds. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

You mean she hasn't already...and you are still proposing? ;) ...

You put a ring on her finger, then ask her to pull yours. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)