Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 3 Dec 04)

Really Bad Ways To Put More Decorum and/or Niceness Into Sports

Forbid all contact in football. (

Make them all run with a book on their head. (

Thoroughbred jockeys must now ride side-saddle. ( ...and the jockeys that aren't thoroughbreds??

Incorporate shock collars into their jock straps. (;

ESPN's new show "Queer Eye for the Sports Guy." (;

All fans in attendance are required to have their hands tied behind their backs and have to deal with doing the wave with their feet. (

Address the officials by title..."Mr. Referee sir, are you *$%@#*# blind? That was a *^&&@#&% call". (

New drug policy...All players required to smoke one joint 10 minutes before game time. ( I predict a rise in nacho the locker rooms.

Wrestlers will hence be allowed to employ either a kick to the groin or smash over the head with a folding chair - but not both - in any given match. (Either of which will still be about as effective as whack with a stuffed pillow!) (

Every official will now be equipped with a whistle, stopwatch and taser. (;

Sure, the 15 yard penalties for "Hitting too hard" didn't go over too well, but we're *sure* the Tupperware Halftime Show will! ( I guess you didn't think this one thru all the know there'd be no "burping" allowed anymore.

Going for an extra point after EVERY touchdown seems a little selfish, don't you agree? (

Nascar drivers must use their turn signals when passing other drivers. (

New Names for NFL teams: NY Shoppers, Miami Refugees, Texas Milk Cows, San Francisco Gay Pride, New England Tea Party, Minnesota Blondes. (

Yellow penalty flags replaced with lace doilies. ( Don't be silly...monogrammed hankies will do just fine.

Alternative Super Bowl commentary by Elmo, Gentle Ben, and E.T. (

Let's make that Peter Pan guy the new commissioner for all sports. (

New head coach: Richard Simmons (

Pro baseball players must use a napkin or towel when scratching their private areas on TV. ( If benched, then they must use sandpaper.

Poor sportsman-like conduct will be result in a three-hour lecture from Anna Nicole Smith. (

More butt kissing; less butt slapping. (

Before sacking the quarterback, NFL linebackers must first buy him dinner. (

After every basket or point scored, players are required to curtsy. ( No more doing a little dance either...well, unless it's a waltz.

At halftime, all fans and players hold hands and sing "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing." (

This ones for you, MOM...'Why don't they give each team their own ball, that way they won't have to fight over it.' (;

Bad players are put in time out. (; ...and forced to put gum on their noses.

I was going to suggest that they write on a blackboard 100 times, "I will no longer smash in my fans' faces." Then I remembered they don't know how to write. (

NBA now stands for "No Bad Attitudes!" (

Badly behaved players will be scolded by their mothers in front of everyone. ( "...and you just wait 'til your father gets home!"

Ban all men from watching and playing sports. (

Unruly crowd members will be forced into the game so they can PROVE how they know so damn much about the game. The injuries, merely a side benefit. (

Super Bowl beer commercials will only objectify women 1/3 as much. (

Triple the price of beer; not very likely a fan will be tossing that cup onto the arena floor. (

The winners:

Well, it could give Dr. Scholl's the justification for bringing back that "Gellin' like a felon" line...

Make gel insoles part of their uniforms. (

They must also follow the new "Red Light, Green Light" rule...

NBA players now must say, "Mother, may I?" before running up into the stands and beating the crap out of somebody. (;