Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 3 Jul 04)

Really Bad Signs Your State/National Park Is Polluted

So much acid rain, you need a Prevacid umbrella. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The birds are carrying signs that say, "Will sing for clean worms." (pjb1671@netscape.net)

There's a tour of the "6-pack plastic-necked" swan that runs every 15 minutes. (KatSut78@aol.com)

Changing the name of Yellowstone...to Yellow Stain. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Well, the bears gotta go SOMEWHERE!!

Look closely and you'll see all the birds are stuffed. (maxcel200@aol.com; kayladykay@aol.com)

Warning: Please remove oil sludge from shoes before leaving park area. (customerwaller@cox.net)

The Indian from the 1970s pollution commercial isn't standing there with a solitary tear rolling down his cheek -- he's lying on the ground pounding his fists and bawling like a kid. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com) Believe it or not we received three variations of this...geez, you guys are OLD! ;)

Fish are not caught - they turn themselves in. (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

Finding three legged frogs still alive is referred to as "the good old days." (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

Roosevelt's glasses are fogged up and Washington has a clothespin clamped to his nose at Mt. Rushmore. (guitartexn@aol.com) ...and they've suddenly acquired hands, which they use to cover their mouth with.

Yellowstone's new name? The Tree Stumpery. (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

Old Faithful spews out old car parts and medical waste. (stoneguy@bellsouth.net)

The Great Smokies are forced to close their Non-Smokie Section. (HerzogVon@aol.com) One might wonder just what you were smokie-ing when you thought of this.

They now offer "Brown Water Rafting". (FreeLooseDirt@gmail.com)

The majestic mountains really are purple. (chharget@aol.com)

Yellowstone renamed to Yellowaterandgroundandtreesandstone. (scalpel@aol.com)

Come on, they call New Jersey the Garden State. What chance does a national park have? (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Lincoln's beard is real. (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com) "It's PEOPLE!! Soylent Beard is...oh, forget it!"

You can't see the forest...at all. (dakotadave57104@yahoo.com)

Bigfoot is discovered... covered in tumors. (rochford@netaus.net.au)

Grand Canyon National Park and Landfill (deweyever@attbi.com) Hey...NOW there's an idea!

It's sponsored by Exxon - you know what they say, the oily bird gets eaten by the worms. (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

The Bush Administration has instituted a "clean up" program to remove the filthy petroleum reserves from beneath it. (chharget@aol.com)

Far too many two-headed bison to call it a natural mutation. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com) So...let me guess, a few would be okay?

Black bears' growl replaced by nagging wheeze. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

Those sepia toned pictures you got back...it wasn't your camera! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Bird spotting is so much easier now that ther're dead on the ground. (davidgotribe@aol.com)

Park lets you take souvenirs home...in hefty garbage bags. (maxcel200@aol.com)

The winners:

I'd say that makes him smarter than the average bear...

You are mauled by a bear, but relieved to find out he only wants your water-purification tablets. (tainsam@aol.com)

Yes, it's definitely a bad sign when they hand out matches along with your park map, pointing out that it makes great kindling...

Smokey the Bear saying "Remember, only your forest fires can clean this up." (tphyll@aol.com; skibip@aol.com)