Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 4 Aug 04)

Really Bad Signs Your Hotel Might Not Be A 5-Star Deluxe One Like It Stated On the Internet

"High speed Internet access" actually means you dial-up after buying some cocaine and speed from one of the many resident drug dealers. (

For wake up calls, they set a rooster on your window sill. (

The bellhops have fuzzy tails, and are actually hopping. ( ...and are named "Chip" and "Dale"?

When the hotel brochure shows a beautifully appointed dining room and you go down there for dinner and you're told it's only open when actual guests are staying at the hotel. (Really. This happened to me. In Cleveland.) (

I can afford to stay in it. (

You call to complain that the shower water is lukewarm and they say "You've got water?" (

When the paper delivered to your room every morning is a police blotter of escaped criminals. ( Three of which you recognized when you checked in.

Is the chocolate mint on the pillow supposed to be moving around? (;

The sheets all have the logo of the hotel down the block. (

Under "Things to Do" in the brochure found in your room, it lists "Cockroach Races" right after the evening "Rat Stomp". (

You take part in a lottery to determine which rooms get cleaned each day. ( Any day now, I'm gonna win big!

Complimentary can of Raid on the nightstand. (;

When you ask if they take Visa, they say it doesn't matter where you're from if you've got the cash. (

The restaurant requires inserting 75 cents and pressing a button. (

Conveniently located at the intersection of 3 freeways and a freight train line. (

That wet bar they promised? It's in the shower and has towels hanging from it. ( Hey, it's a lot cheaper than that $8 bottle of Evian that was in the one I stayed at last weekend.

The fanciest item on the room service menu is Spaghetti-Os. (

Under the list of amenities is: refrigerator, microwave, coffee maker, hair dryer, bulletproof vest. (

The gold-plated fixtures are actually rust-plated. (

When you check in they hand you a flyswatter. ( Flyswatter, polo mallot...same difference...serves the same purpose in this case.

The restaurant's special soup of the day is mmm mmm good! (

There's a big sign saying "Bill Clinton Slept Here." (

Trashy porn mags under the mattress ( As opposed to the classy porn we usually hide there.

The "His" and "Her" matching robes say "Property of the County Jail". (

You realize as you pull up and see the hourly rate that you reserved your room on instead of (

The "sanitized for your protection" paper has a pee stain on it. ( You know you've watched too many of those "Secrets of Forensic Science" shows when you can determine this just by sight.

The valet out front was extra friendly, then you learned that the hotel has no valet parking. (

A sign on your door says, "If you suspect a fire, please yell 'Fire" as loudly as you can and then get the Hell out." (

Ten of the rooms being "redecorated" have yellow police barricade tape across the doors. (

The winners:

I guess "The Captain and Tennille" were fired, huh?...

When they say it's a "five star" hotel that's only because Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges, Emmanuel Lewis, Corey Feldman and Danny Bonaduce all work there! (

Uh, you didn't bring a family pet, did you...?

In the middle of the night you feel your husband getting frisky under the covers... then remember you are away on business alone. (;