Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 4 Jan 05)

Really Bad New Year's Resolutions...In Hell

This year, I'm going to get that rock up this hill! (

I will quit saying, "The devil made me do it." (

Resolve not to keep saying "Whoo! Who cut the cheese?" when you get a good whiff of all that burning sulfur. (

It doesn't matter...because you're married! ( This proves I'm already in hell...another "married' entry.

Whenever I see a demon, I will refrain from pointing and making the “Me So ‘Horny’” joke. (

See what a snowball's chance in hell is. ( About as much chance as me winning the lottery in Alabama.

This year I'm going to get the furnace repaired. (

I resolve to quit breathing ( With all that sulphur, who can blame you?

Stop smoking,Your body from smoking that is. (;; the other 400 or so)

I promise to stop sweating the small stuff... (

To give up gambling...especially with my soul. ( Did that Twilight Zone marathon on Sci-Fi channel teach you NOTHING????

3..2..1!! Ok, we're turning down the heat and turning up the Manilow! (

Quit ticking off the boss by saying "God damn it" all the time. (

Resolve to give Satan the cold shoulder next time you see him. (

This year I WILL get the air conditioning working. (

This year... Ice water! No, really...I meant it. (

In order to "get out there" and make some friends down here, I resolve to accept Lucifer's invitation to a weenie roast. ( I predict a nasty surprise for you when you arrive, and everyone but you is wearing a bib...

I resolve, if I ever get out of here, to never run for President again. (

While drowning in the eternal river of feces, I will only perform strokes recognized by the International Swimmers Association. (

I'm giving up lawyers. Currently I'm on 50 a day. It's just so tempting, they are everywhere you turn here. ( I'm just curious as to what you are doing with them.

Must remember to turn off oven when I leave. (

Resolve to improve the Feng Shui of your particular ring.... ( Ooooh...those demons on their heads look soooo much better over there.

Sin more. I mean, you're already in Hell, right? (

I will be less evil. MUHAHA. ( Oh yeah, you got ME convinced.

I promise to stop setting off the fire alarm in the 7th Circle as a practical joke. (

Find another way to cook besides barbeque, barbeque, barbeque! (

Resolving to stop crying like a baby for your mommy every time your flesh is burnt off of your bones and your limbs are chopped into bits with a dulled axe. Big baby! ( Did someone say "barbeque, barbeque, barbeque???" ;)

Will try to stalk old girlfriends using my trained, camcord-toting snow monkey. (

I promise not to keep hiding Hitler's electric fan and then blaming Stalin for it. (

Must stay away from the chicks down here, they're all evil! (

I promise to put more effort into my eternity of pointless, repetitive tasks. ( Uh...hopefully starting with sending in HMO entries! Yeah knew it was coming.

SPF 2000 cocoa butter for the kids. The 1500 stuff isn't working. (

To stop selling elevator tickets to the newbies!! ( Killjoy.

Remind myself it's no longer necessary to tell people to go to hell. (

The winners:

I resolve to stop picking Monty Python-based entries...ooops....

Will stop whistling "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" just to annoy the people around me. (

Even "down there", courtesy counts...

I promise to use my "quiet voice" while I'm screaming in the pain of eternal damnation. (