Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 5 Apr 03)

Really Bad Things to Hear in the Hot Dog Line at the Ball Park
(Suggested by

"What part of the Dog did you want sir?" (

"Pssssttt....How many times you think the counter girl has heard 'Yes I'd like my wiener between your buns please.....'?" (

"That'll be 65 dollars please" ... after you order a plain hot dog and an ice water (

"This hot dog has less gristle than usual. You sure it's not a shaved rat?" ( Only if you're lucky."What happened to all the stray cats?" (

"Careful where you swing that footlong." (

"Here kitty, kitty!" ( I think I ate her "tender vittles" just now.

"So do you think its true that these hot dogs are really from the same year the METS actually won a world series?" (

"I'm not sure..but I think I spotted Long Dong Silver in the bleachers." (

"I just like to twirl it in the palms of my hands. It helps me forget about the temptation that my nephew gives me every time we're together." ( Uhhhhh...oh...kay.

"Whoops, < splat > that's okay! 5 sec rule applies on everything except the coleslaw." (;

"It's not the $5 for the dog itself I mind, it's the $20 for the Pepto." (

"They never did find Jimmy Hoffa did they?" ( How'd he get in the food? I buried him under a goalpost!

"Three with extra mustard and onions," just uttered by the guy who's in the seat next to you. (

"Hey bubba, That hot dog looks good, but let me tell ya, my uncle Cletus, he owns his own slaughter house and he says 'man if those walls could talk'. Go ahead squeeze all the mustard you want on that thing but it don't change nothin." (

"That better not be French's mustard you're putting on my hot dog!" ( "Au contraire."

"ACHOOOOOOOOOO, sorry! Let me wipe that off there." (

"Hey! That one looks like mine!" (

"OK, this is the 3rd time I lost my Band-Aid today, if this happens again I'm gonna have to change the hot dog water." ( I didn't ask for ketchup...ewwww.

"Would you like freedom fries with that?" (

"No, they don't know if it is contagious or how it is spread." (

"100% beef includes the anus." ( The hot dog industry's credo: There's always room for anus!

"When we say we've been serving the same hot dogs since 1962, we mean it... literally." (

"Ever notice that the Men's room is always on the other side of the wall from where the hot dog water comes from??" (

The winners:

Look on the bright side...your friends saw it and can tell you all about it...over and over...

(over the P.A. system) "Oh my GOD! You don't see a play like that but once in a lifetime!" (

Well, this explains the sequins I keep finding under the relish:

"I heard the guy working here just got back from a trip to Vegas with Leis." (