Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 6 Aug 05)

Really Bad Ways We Pick the Winners Here at HMO

Whoever enters first wins. It really takes the hassle out of reading all this crap. (manpretty@gmail.com)

"All right, grasshopper...you have proven your ability at flagpole sitting...now see how fast you can grab these slivers of paper with email addresses on them out of the air before they hit the ground. Remember....the comedy writing careers of many could depend on your skill." (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

1 stupid entry, 2 stupid entry, 3 stupid entry, 4... (BRE727@aol.com)

Pin the tail on the Jokey. (amfpsych@aol.com) Jokey's the official HMO intern...

HMO has been known *cowbell!* to show favoritism to *cowbell!* submissions that use the secret winner-word, 'cowbell'. (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

OK...which wheel "squeaked" the most over the last month in IM chat...? (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

Whoever bothers us the least about updating gets to be the winner at least once a month. (manpretty@gmail.com) Uh...cmndrnineveh...you paying attention here???

You ask your signed and framed Sammy Hagar poster for advice. (scalpel@aol.com)

Modified "Eight Ball": Signs point to funny. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Secret location of: "Der Picking Room" revealed - HMO Judges print up all received entries on non-recycled bleached paper and stuff them into one of 10 pinatas made from left-over origami and shredded unclaimed prizes from previous years. The pinatas are respectively labeled for each category and hung low in a narrow, lime green colored though otherwise empty room. A series of high-speed cameras is set up nearby and trained upon each pinata. Cadeaux, completely nude sans for a pair of dark wrap-around sunglasses, in typical fashion, has already 'tied on a few dozen martinis' and is ushered into the room by an entourage of Oompa Loompas and accompanied by the loudly broadcast 'Chariots of Fire' themesong. After hours of flailing about, she is bound to hit something (explaining how she maintains such a svelte and dare I say lovely, figure: lots of exercise!) The next day, Bucko reviews the high speed footage while Leis attends to Cadeaux's bruises and contusions and mixes up a fresh batch of booze. Although rather anticlimactic, the winners chosen are done so by a very simple method: The first dozen or so entries to hit the floor win, thereby explaining why some are 'just not funny', others seemingly attributed to the same emails again and again and of course, why it sometimes takes weeks to update contests. Winning entries are posted on the site after omitting contributors whose email addresses contain vague references to tantric love or Japanese cuisine. (Kamasushi@gmail.com) This one here? Uh...didn't stand a chance in hell of winning, yeah, like I have time to read this... - 25 Rat's Asses for wasting good html space. Oh, btw, no one else is going to bother to read this either.

Dude, he used the words "hard" and "long" in his entry...hee! hee! He's the winner.. hee! hee!, hee! hee! (L1061S@go.com)

Picking names out of a cat. (muck55@aol.com)

Write entries next to celebrity’s names each week. The last ten not to total lose all shreds of dignity that week gets used (fparsons@yahoo.com) Oh, so THAT was why I only choose 3 a week now!

They are selected by Price-Waterhouse and kept in a sealed vault until the day of updating. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The job, under copyright, is outsourced to China. (tphyll@aol.com; NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Ask other contestants who didn't enter the contest for their opinion (this has happened to me one). (Mistahtom@aol.com) This is the price you pay for having an aol address...well, besides all the other usual aol crap...deal with it.

Every fourth legitimately funny entry is thrown into a random drawing to appear next to the compiled list of mediocrity. (razcactus@netzero.com)

On a "need for origami" basis. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Set each entry on fire: white smoke-posted, black smoke-rejected. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com; jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

We thoughtfully and carefully read each submission and pick the winner based on its merits. (rod.renner@juno.com) Sorry, thought that said "ferrets"....nevermind.

Only entrants that have slept with Paula Abdul have a chance! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Oh for crying out loud! We already pick the questions AND send in the answers...now you want us to find ways to JUDGE our entries, too? (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

It really helps if you have an "intimate" relationship with Cad...or Leis...or both of them...at the same time. (Jdoveraz@aol.com) Is that REALLY such a surprise, considering she's a cad and I'm in a leisure suit??

Drop all the entries into the toilet and flush...whichever ones stay floating win! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com; fireflysmail@aol.com)

Rock, origami, scissors. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Using Diebold voting machines. (stan@squidworks.com) Well, any mention of an actual product...gets us a negligible kickback from said company. Hey, I can friggin dream here, can't I???

One person holds a mouth full of milk and another reads the selections. If milk comes out the nose at anytime that selection is chosen. (gromitopia@yahoo.com)

People with the stupidest user names. by: Thegreensmirf@colorblind.com (phil82@blueyonder.co.uk)

This one is simple: If you joke is self-abating, a bad pun or a dirty joke that's PG or PG-13--you are a sure fire winner! ;) That's right. I have a very small 'wink'. (mikepena@verizon.net) These will get you picked as well, as...well, I usually have access to a databank of where you went to high school (why do you think we want your addresses? Prizes? Ha!). Blackmailing players for me not to put stuff up like this on Classmates.com (another kickback - cha-ching!) is highly lucrative.

Entries that mention flying monkeys automatically get picked. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Each answer is read to our pet dingo. If he sits there quietly we toss it. If he barks or runs around it gets entered. If he runs off to eat someone's baby it's the winner. (manpretty@gmail.com) Um...since when do dingos bark? Yes, siree...if I can put a bit of trivial knowledge on the end of your entry...it's picked!

Speaking of which, I see you have received my payment through Paypal, so where is my winning entry??? (lynder_mh@yahoo.com)

The winners:

You know...we really should turn off the webcam when we pretend to read these things...

When we're drunk: randomly. When we're sober: randomly with an ice pack pressed against our heads. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

"Oh no! Some sarcastic guy's RA's got mangled online this week! Tooooo baaaaad....."

Wait, there's winners? (parlansharvest@yahoo.com)