Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 7 Dec 05)

Really Bad Pet Peeves Of Hasbeen Celebrities

Being on on-line lists about Hasbeen Celebrities. (rampage1984@msn.com)

Having to show an ID for everything and having people comment on their age and looks. (WJKbase@aol.com)

You're referred to as " The Old Paris Hilton". (L1061S@go.com)

They now have to pick out the green M&M's for themselves. (fparsons@yahoo.com) The store management has a problem with you doing it, tho.

So many reality TV Shows to appear on, so little time. (Jdoveraz@aol.com; Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Howard Stern: "People who confuse me with Isaac. Sure, I may be sex obsessed, but I've never taken up violins." (HerzogVon@aol.com) Note to self: Ugh!

The long non-stares. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Gee, and all this time, I thought I'd turned invisible!

All the shows you're asked to do these days are "Whatever Happened To..." (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Having an aged Florence Henderson asking you at every cast reunion if you want to "have a different kind of reunion" with her. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

While Googling themselves found only one fan site devoted to them and it was run by their own mother. (Kamasushi@gmail.com) ...and they HAVE to Google themselves now as they don't have any more groupies hanging around.

Even "Hollywood Squares" isn't calling. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com; monacof@bellsouth.net)

Being mistaken for David Hasselhoff. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

Spelling "has-been" as one word. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com) Oh shuddup. Oh, I'm sorry...that's "shut up".

Getting hit on by Flava Flav. (Kamasushi@gmail.com)

People repeatedly asking them if they know what happened to the kid from the 'Home Alone' movies. (timamod@aol.com)

"Hey! Aren't you Charlie Sheen?" "NO! I'm Martin, dammit!" Do I get double Rat's Asses for a twofer? (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) ....not unless there's a bribery check hidden somewhere in this message....

You're flattered when people recognize you, and then crushed when they say, "I thought you were dead." (tpanner@hotmail.com; scalpel@aol.com)

Even Steve Guttenberg isn't returning your calls. (hunkafunk@hotmail.com)

Trump keeps inviting me to be a judge for that damn Miss Teen U.S.A. contest. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

When the bottle is empty. (deweywins@yahoo.com) Wow! That's MY pet ....uh....um....nevermind.

Someone hacked into Kato Kaelin's cell phone phonebook and you're not even listed. (L1061S@go.com)

The production company you own threatens to disband if you insist on being in any of the movies. (tpanner@hotmail.com) "Gilbert Gottfried, as you've never seen him before, in...."Gunga Din"!

You have to kill someone to get any press at all. (L1061S@go.com)

The tits they get to sign get lower every year... (paracletus3@earthlink.net) And that's just on the guys.

No one is bidding for your autograph on E-Bay. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

The winners:

"Hey, aren't you that guy who was almost famous???"...

Everyone thinks you're James Spader (Judge Reinhold only). (Omegamagezero@sbcglobal.net)

Hey, look everyone...Robert Downey, Jr. plays HMO!... (Who, according to the IMDb, has EIGHT films due out in 2006...so can't be considered a has-been...plus, in my opinion, he's probably one of THE best actors since Jimmy Stewart. Okay, so I just wanted to plug the guy.)...

I'm even more messed up than Danny Bonaduce and I can't get on VH1! (jaynashvil@aol.com)