Banter provided by Cad and Leis
(Updated 8 Feb 05)
Really Bad Signs You May Have Bought The Wrong Valentine's Day Card/Gift
It takes a good two hours to scrub the smell of cracker-jack out of it. (email@example.com)
It was 3 for 99¢ at the 99 cent store. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)
You're married. What's the point? You won't get any anyway. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Speaking of not getting any...nah, we'll give you the points THIS time.
It's engraved "I Love You Martha" and her name is Ann. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
That gift you bought your girlfriend seemed just perfect, until you try to wrap it and find there isn't a good way to keep her from guessing that it's a 50 pound anvil. (email@example.com) See, this is why coyotes and roadrunners shouldn't socialize!
Rudolph's nose is heart-shaped with an arrow through it... and it was only 100 RA's! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
You come home to an empty house on February 15. (email@example.com)
As soon as you pin her new diamond brooch on for her, your "girlfriend" pops like a balloon. (TyleredOne@aol.com) And with this, the long forgotten blow-up doll entries will now commence.
The Valentine card has your ex-wife's name scratched out and your current wife's name written above it. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The doctor is removing the new turkey fryer from your ass as we speak. (email@example.com)
Your woman installed the four ply, fiber glass toilet paper in your bathroom. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Fer Pete's sake, don't wipe!!
Chocolate? Check. Roses? Check. Forgetting that she has violent allergies to flowers and is on a diet? Priceless. (email@example.com)
While visiting Chicago, you send a postcard of the infamous Clark Street garage with the inscription, "Wish you were here." (HerzogVon@aol.com)
"You named a @*!@# star after me?" (firstname.lastname@example.org) Oh, please tell me it's not Michael Jackson.
You bought a card for your wife saying... "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" (email@example.com)
She asks, "If it's so sexy, why don't YOU wear it" -- and so you try it on and have a sort of awkward but ultimately life-changing revelation. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Your shampoo gets mixed with her Nair somehow. (AnthrStupdSN@aol.com) Yes..."somehow".
You wake up all tied up with the tape inside the "Sweatin to the Oldies" tape you bought her at the Salvation Army. (email@example.com)
The nice lady in charge of the thrift store reminds you again that there are no refunds or exchanges on any undergarments or intimate apparel purchased there. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
You bought it in the "Controlling Bitch" section of the card store. (DOrr@jam.rr.com) Wow! A whole section from Hallmark devoted to little ole ME???
Court TV calls for permission to televise your trial. (email@example.com)
No Valentine's Day card should start out, "To the least desperate housewife I know." (firstname.lastname@example.org) No...but I bet there's one out there.
You're giving it to a guy and it doesn't involve you being naked. (email@example.com)
Reminds me of my Dad, who once bought Mom a card that read, "I'd like to see you pretty soon...You've been ugly for so long!"...
"I don't EVER buy any bad Valentine's Gifts, do I, Honey? Honey? UMM, HONEY????????????" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Honey...Chef Boyardee?...You shouldn't have. No, honestly, you shouldn't have..."
You can tell by the lovely spaghetti dinner wig you are now wearing. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)