Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 8 Feb 05)

Really Bad Signs You May Have Bought The Wrong Valentine's Day Card/Gift

It takes a good two hours to scrub the smell of cracker-jack out of it. (

It was 3 for 99¢ at the 99 cent store. (

You're married. What's the point? You won't get any anyway. ( Speaking of not getting any...nah, we'll give you the points THIS time.

It's engraved "I Love You Martha" and her name is Ann. (

That gift you bought your girlfriend seemed just perfect, until you try to wrap it and find there isn't a good way to keep her from guessing that it's a 50 pound anvil. ( See, this is why coyotes and roadrunners shouldn't socialize!

Rudolph's nose is heart-shaped with an arrow through it... and it was only 100 RA's! (

You come home to an empty house on February 15. (

As soon as you pin her new diamond brooch on for her, your "girlfriend" pops like a balloon. ( And with this, the long forgotten blow-up doll entries will now commence.

The Valentine card has your ex-wife's name scratched out and your current wife's name written above it. (

The doctor is removing the new turkey fryer from your ass as we speak. (

Your woman installed the four ply, fiber glass toilet paper in your bathroom. ( Fer Pete's sake, don't wipe!!

Chocolate? Check. Roses? Check. Forgetting that she has violent allergies to flowers and is on a diet? Priceless. (

While visiting Chicago, you send a postcard of the infamous Clark Street garage with the inscription, "Wish you were here." (

"You named a @*!@# star after me?" ( Oh, please tell me it's not Michael Jackson.

You bought a card for your wife saying... "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" (

She asks, "If it's so sexy, why don't YOU wear it" -- and so you try it on and have a sort of awkward but ultimately life-changing revelation. (

Your shampoo gets mixed with her Nair somehow. ( Yes..."somehow".

You wake up all tied up with the tape inside the "Sweatin to the Oldies" tape you bought her at the Salvation Army. (

The nice lady in charge of the thrift store reminds you again that there are no refunds or exchanges on any undergarments or intimate apparel purchased there. (

You bought it in the "Controlling Bitch" section of the card store. ( Wow! A whole section from Hallmark devoted to little ole ME???

Court TV calls for permission to televise your trial. (

No Valentine's Day card should start out, "To the least desperate housewife I know." ( No...but I bet there's one out there.

You're giving it to a guy and it doesn't involve you being naked. (

The winners:

Reminds me of my Dad, who once bought Mom a card that read, "I'd like to see you pretty soon...You've been ugly for so long!"...

"I don't EVER buy any bad Valentine's Gifts, do I, Honey? Honey? UMM, HONEY????????????" (

"Honey...Chef Boyardee?...You shouldn't have. No, honestly, you shouldn't have..."

You can tell by the lovely spaghetti dinner wig you are now wearing. (