Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 9 May 04)

Really Bad Excuses For Not Remembering Mother's Day

Mom, you told me I was hatched! (watch4whales@yahoo.com)

I was really busy shaving cool designs into my boyfriends pubic hair. (Austinstoy@aol.com) ...now that we have the "ick!" factor out of the way...

I was so relieved that my 16 year old girlfriend wasn't pregnant after all, that I got smashed and slept straight through Mother's Day. (amazingpfil@yahoo.com)

Just didn't have enough money for that gallon of gas you had your eye on buying her. (DOrr@jam.rr.com)

Too broken up about Friends. (ahines3103@aol.com; witsend@sevinex.com) I'm sorry, all Friends-related entries automatically go over to the Top Ten this week.

Dog ate the Mothers Day card that you hid in your report card envelope. (DOrr@jam.rr.com)

I stopped by and saw you were having fun, so I didn't step in. I didn't want to bring you down with my ill-fitting dress, the hairdo that is a "hair don't," the makeup that is over-applied, and my husband who really isn't up to your standards. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

Hey, I remembered the Alamo. One out of two ain't bad! (maxcel200@aol.com)

With father's day only a month away, it's time to remember the important person in your family: the guy who gave you beer when you were three. (scalpel@aol.com) Yeah, good thing he let me use my allowance to set up a bar tab!

"You called me a sonofabitch so many times I figured you meant you didn't deserve anything." (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

Cinco De Mayo hangover made you forget. (DOrr@jam.rr.com)

Hard to keep track of the date while you were in solitary at the Cook County Prison (3 to 10 for man slaughter) because you 'accidentally' stabbed a guard running with scissors on your way to the pool immediately after lunch, and weren't you embarrassed when they stripped you down with your dirty underwear, but it doesn't matter cause you can't wait to get out because your friends are going to jump off a building and you have to go with them.... (deweyever@attbi.com) ...and don't come crying to me when you die!

Too busy sending in entries to HMO but if i win 70 more points I can get mom a nice origami for next year. (rampage1984@msn.com)

Out of womb, out of mind. (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

Mom didn't remember Children's Day last year so I am getting back at her! (marymarg27608@yahoo.com; chharget@aol.com)

You forgot what nursing home you dumped her in. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com) I'll give you a hint: it was featured on "60 Minutes" last week.

Busy celebrating Arthritis Awareness Month. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Told dad I wanted to go to the strip mall to get a card, we ended up at a strip club. (Austinstoy@aol.com)

We've grown to be such friends these past few years that I've forgotten that you were actually my mom, Mom. (atwright73@yahoo.com) Hey, now this sounds like an excuse you can make money with...you ever think about going into the "belated" card business?

My daughter brought me breakfast in bed and my husband treated me to spa treatment, well, I was just swept up in the moment. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

Folded calendar wrong and thought it was just an "other" Day. (chharget@aol.com)

You're Woody Allen's son and you couldn't find a Happy Sister/Mother's day card. (DOrr@jam.rr.com) Apparently you were not shopping in the "Redneck" card isle.

I'm the President of the United States. Mom, I just wanted to see if anyone in the world would accept an apology. (maxcel200@aol.com)

A complete stranger stopped me on the sidewalk and told me everything that was wrong with me. I figured that visiting you would simply be redundant. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

The winners:

Awwww....look where he hid his gift, Ma:

Three Words: Prison Guard Shakedown (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Hey, you don't want me to lose my job and have to come live with you again, do you??...

I was really busy managing the Hallmark store and totally forgot it was Mother's Day. (witsend@sevinex.com)