(updated 1 Mar 09)

Drek provided by Cad and Bucko

Things Not To Say and/or Do On Valentine's Day

Do not say that you bought her flowers instead of chocolate because you wanted to help her keep her New Year's resolution of losing her fat ass. (mikepena@socal.rr.com)

"Ok, you got your flowers. Bend over." (strollo5@embarqmail.com))Well, that drives the point right home, doesn't it?

Give a self written card that reads:
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Last year in Vegas you sure were fine,
Now that the DNA tests proved the baby is mine. (DOrr221@comcast.net)

"Do you mind...I really need to take this call.....Hi honey....no...no....hello...hello....sorry about that!" (sheafitz@netscape.com)) Shoulda checked the Caller ID, Smedley!

I should probably print out this list and give it to my boyfriend...oh, that's right, I don't have one. Woe is me :(   (YukiMerricoon@aol.com)

"Every year we're together, there's more of you to love." (gerg17@comcast.net) Oh, I'm so sure you still can fit into that 'knight in shining armour' bit.

Give flowers to your sweety and a teddy to her mom (strollo5@embarqmail.com) Just tell her that MILFs need love, too! Unless your sweety IS a MILF.... then you're a sick bastard.

No matter how much you may love a queen size woman, don't ever tell her she looks like Jessica Simpson when she asks: "Does this make me look fat?" (retrometro@rogers.com)

Never think you're off the hook just because you're married! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Trouble in paradise, Red? ;)

I'm giving you this box of low cal chocolates Dear, I think you know why. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Marry you?  You're joking...right? (arlenekader@aol.com)  Not sure who is saying this to whom...but either way...well...it's pretty bad.

Ladies don't appreciate cards like this, believe me on this one:
When I think of you dear, it's ooh la la!
Let's ask your friend for a menage a trois. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

Even though she preserved the roses from last year, it's not a good idea to regift them. (archerjoe@hotmail.com) It sends a bad message: "When I think of you, I think of dried out, shriveled and flat."

I bought you this beautiful red dress, Darling..to commemorate the St. Valentine's Day massacre. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
 
Honey, I know you don't like what I gave you for Valentine's Day...but here's $50 and directions to the clinic. (wamii_69@yahoo.com) How do you solve the problem, gonorrhea? What do you do when clap has got you down? Everybody sing!
 
Address your card "to my first wife".....when you are still married to her. (skibip@aol.com)
 
Could be weirder.... what if it was the SAME gender? Or a hermaphrodite?
 
Don't say that you are in love with your beau's sibling(s), especially if the one in question is of a different gender than you are.  (kilgoreandria@gmail.com) 

A step up from than that "gently loved" sex toy from eBay you were considering...

Wow!  Who would've thought the Dollar Store would be this busy today? (gerg17@comcast.net)