Yo Mama's such a bad driver...
First off - a couple of things: I didn't feel up to reading thru all the Yo Mama entries on top of trying to update my other contests, doing a blog once in a while, and trying to recouperate from my surgery here, so I left the picking this time in Bucko's very capable hands, so that's why you see no comments or a winner from me. Secondly, it's that time of year again when we have to think about shelving this contest and replacing it with another. Now that contest could be a whole new one, preferably that you think up for us so we don't have to, or one from our ever-expanding archives here at the Rotating Contest slot (check the links below to see them). So, let us know which one you'd like to see so we can tally up the votes and then totally ignore them and pick the one we want to do. Oh, just kidding...we would never do THAT. :) Anyway, cast your vote and send it to us below as you would an entry so we will know by around the 1st of December when we plan to switch over to another contest.
Oh, and because technically this is one of those holidays I mentioned in the HMO forum - yes, you COULD read it and comment once in a while there...all these people (and Bucko picked like a gazillion) get double the points as we are having a holiday "Rat's Asstravaganza"!
...Onstar alerts their subscribers about her location. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Did you know that "GPS" stands for "Great Pope Sewage"?
...she stops at every intersection and won't go until the driver behind her turns green. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
...instead of hanging fuzzy dice from her rear-view mirror, she hangs bail bonds. (email@example.com)
...she thinks a "stick shift" is at the whorehouse between 11PM and 7AM. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yo mama oughta know, Smedley!
...that Ted Kennedy won't ride with her. (Skibip@aol.com)
...the local body shop just awarded her a Lifetime Achievement award. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
...that Britney Spears won't let her kids ride with her. (Dspur57098@aol.com)
...she saw a sign that said "No Crossovers", so she tore out all her stereo speaker wiring. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Of course, there's two sides to that....
Also, yo mama's a real woofer.
...the DMV hangs copies of her license photos up in post offices. (email@example.com)
...grade schools in her neighborhood are required to put kids through "Frogger Training". (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...her car found a way to hide the keys. (GerriHan65@aol.com)
And now, the "I'm Really Teed Off" section:
...she only carries a putter and a sand wedge in her golf bag. (email@example.com)
...that Seve Ballesteros makes fun of her (ok, you gotta know golf). (Dspur57098@aol.com)
...her hole shots are digging up the pavement in the parking lot of the local Safeway. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...and her putting ain't worth a damn, neither. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) They say she don't even know where the hole is. Yo daddy says the same thing.
...she takes the terms 'drive-in' and 'drive-through' way too literally. (email@example.com)
...her hood ornament used to be a pedestrian. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
...they even revoked her license to drive a Cruzin' Cooler. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...she invented "tangent parking". (email@example.com) That's a bad sine.
...old ladies with walkers climb trees when they see her coming. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...she had to take driver's special ed. (email@example.com)
...there are smashed bugs on the back window. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...she's not even allowed to drive in Florida. (email@example.com) Look, just because they renew 96 year old people's licenses by mail down here....
Sadly, I'm not joking.
...she thinks an illegal left turn is a broken relationship between a sick eagle and a seagull. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
...she's not even permitted to drive a New York City taxi cab. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...people drive 10 or more car lengths away, even in Houston. (email@example.com)
...she's been hired by Amtrak. (firstname.lastname@example.org) The only train company in the world that can derail BEFORE leaving the station.
...she was fined 5000 Euros on the Autobahn for driving too slow. (email@example.com)
...that whenever she gets behind the wheel, the local hospital is alerted to prepare an O.R. for organ harvesting. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...crash test dummies are required to wear diapers to ride with her. (email@example.com)
...she changes lanes more often than Paris Hilton changes underwear. (firstname.lastname@example.org) She'd have to WEAR some first.
...she's the only wrong-way driver on a one-way street dragging sections of a fence. (email@example.com)
...all the neighborhood dogs have an unusual tire tread pattern on their heads. (GerriHan65@aol.com) Those poor girls.
...even Asians honk and shake their fists as they pass. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
...she thinks 'reverse gear' is dressing 70s-style. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...when she comes to a fork in the road, she takes it, AFTER running over Yogi Berra. (email@example.com) Giving Yogi a severe boo-boo.
Yeah, I said it.
...she's a back seat driver...quite literally. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...the driver honking behind her is an Amish Farmer in a wagon. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
...she still doesn't understand that most car washes are not equipped for freeway speeds. (email@example.com) Yo mama loves a good hot waxing.... she could use one, too.
...her bumper sticker says, "If you can read this I'm impressed, since I just ran you over!" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...when she puts on makeup while driving, she calls it "road rouge." (email@example.com)
...the neighbor's refrigerator got tire tracks on it. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
...she considers all her dents and scratches to be like a rich patina favored by antique furniture collectors. (email@example.com) And that's just yo mama's face, sucker!
...even New Jersey's governor won't hire her as a chauffeur. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The question is, WHERE did they give it to her?
...Allstate didn't offer the "Good Hands," it gave her the finger. (GerriHan65@aol.com)
This is what we call "rack and opinion" steering:
...she can now hold the steering wheel with her breasts while she sends text messages to her hairdresser. (email@example.com)