(updated 9 May 08)
(Pay no attention to that title up above this one - we will make a new one eventually)
Drek provided by Cad and Bucko
It's time for us to shelve this particular contest for a while and pop a new one in its place. Please let us know which one you'd like to see replace it. We have a bunch you can look at in the archives...or feel free to suggest your own. If we end up picking one you "invented", you'll get 50 Rat's Asses and the distinction of having your contest also put up on our shelves in a few month's time. :) Please send your vote in as you would an entry.
23rd of April - William Shakespeare (1564-1616) was born at Stratford-on-Avon in England. Renowned as the most influential writer in the English language, he created 36 plays and 154 sonnets, including Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet and The Merchant of Venice.
30 April 1789 - George Washington became the first U.S. President as he was administered the oath of office on the balcony of Federal Hall at the corner of Wall and Broad Streets in New York.
Both started pyramid schemes...check your make-up drawer and the back of your dollar bill. (email@example.com)
Oh, BORN in Stratford-on-Avon...I always thought he sold Avon products door-to-door (Airfarcewonfirstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com) What kind of a ding-dong idea is that?
Biographer Parson Mason Weems told many stories about George Washington. WEEMS is probably an acronym for: Washington's, Enticing, Entertaining, Mythological Shit. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Gen. W. seldom swore, but he did one July day at a subordinate, Gen. Charles Lee when he, Lee, screwed up during a British attack...this episode could be justly remembered as Washington's Battle of Mon"potty"mouth. (email@example.com) That's the hardest-working entry of the round...as opposed to the judges, who hardly work at all.
I used to think Shakespeare's "The Comedy Of Errors" was a rejected title for Dick Clark's "TV Bloopers". After all, they were born around the same time, weren't they? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I wrote a story about how Shakespeare may have acted had he lived in the 20th Century. However, no one will adapt it to a stage play, because I didn't know at the time that the name "Macbeth" is simply not said on stage. (email@example.com) That does it! Now go outside, turn around three times, fart, and then ask permission to come back inside.
That's the actual theatre tradition. Educational & everything. So where's my fucking Peabody award? Huh huh huh?
When he was young and desperate for money, the Bard wrote an autobiographical play about his torrid fling with a Korean lover called "Shakespeare in the Park." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sadly, neither of them were plastinized. (email@example.com) Sheesh, what's the matter...a death mask isn't GOOD enough for you??
Wonder how they decided who to even consider for first president...maybe George was famous because of having his picture on a dollar bill. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Under an assumed name, Shakespeare also tried his hand at some steamy novels such as "Romeo In Juliet" and "A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream". (firstname.lastname@example.org) Don't forget "Coriol-anus"!
I think it was NY's ex-Gov Eliot Spitzer who modified Bill's Richard III to: "A whore! A whore! my Kingdom For A Whore!" (email@example.com)
Yes, we safely say George Washington was sheveled, couthed and spicable. (firstname.lastname@example.org) 'Cause ya just don't "dis" da president!
It was reported that his adopted son "Jacky" made a lot of funny faces during the administration of the oath, but none of the attending artists could draw fast enough to capture the moment. (email@example.com)
William Shakespeare: If not for his pioneering genius, there would be no R rated films today. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Or cross-dressing transvestites. Then where would our society be?
Ironically, our 42nd President, Bill Clinton, was the first US President who banged a broad against a wall after he took his oath of office. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)
Today, there are many Merchants of Venice....Venice, California. You can find them at Wal-Mart or on eBay. (firstname.lastname@example.org) And in Venice, Florida, where there's a funeral home on every corner.
Will would be rolling over in his grave if anyone ever thought of casting Kato Kaelin and Pamela Anderson in the balcony scene in "Romeo & Juliet". (email@example.com)
A little known fact is that William Shakespeare's wife was a Stratford-on-Avon lady. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yes, but we still know who wore the tights in that family.
Promptly following the ceremony, President Washington was robbed, raped, and beaten. He told reporters, "YOU FRICKEN NEW YORKERS ARE CRAZY!!!!!! I'm moving the whole shebang to D.C.!". (email@example.com)
Yeah, fine, great, but did he ever write an episode of "Seinfeld"? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Come on, look at the cast...you tell me which of them could count high enough to handle iambic pentameter.
Still the greatest plays nobody ever goes to see. (email@example.com) Hey! :>(
I, George Washington, promise to sport a goofy grin during Presidents Day sales as I wink from a unit of currency bearing my likeness. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
30 April 1994 - I had sex with a hooker against a wall at the corner of Washington and Federal Streets in New York and soon was administered a shot of penicillin. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)
At the inauguration, Alexander Hamilton was overheard muttering "Washington is a tenth of the man I am." (email@example.com) That Alex... always bucking the majority.
thus were born the boringest English classes ever invented (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Gary...spank Daphne for me, will ya? I think you have poor Will turning over in his grave because of this one. In fact, he just might have installed a rotisserie because of you.
Let's see, one said "brevity is the soul of wit" and wrote 36 rather lengthy plays. The other said "I cannot tell a lie" and then became a politician. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
But even George couldn't lie...that "Where there's a Will, there's a way" pick-up line ole Shakesy used was hard to beat...
Despite being in show biz, George slept around more than Will. (email@example.com)
Some say his death was staged....
Sure, anyone can be influential when you've been dead as long as Shakespeare. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)