(updated 3 Jul 07)  

Top Ten Ways Walmart Plans to Revamp Their Image and Increase Their Sales

Oh, what the heck...it's a holiday tomorrow...so let's double the fun...

20. They're so sorry they've put "Ma and Pa" out of business that they're going to hire them as front-door greeters. (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

19. No teeth, no service. (shep@compascable.net)

18. The new plan is to have a water park and rollercoaster inside every Super Walmart. (artemis31386@aol.com)

17. Walmart announces a deal with the Federal Reserve to pay off the National Debt in exchange for all American employees being paid in Walmart store credits. (TZMAC@aol.com)

16. Instead of letting rednecks and hillbillies fight for free in the lobby... set up a ring behind the store and charge people to watch. (mulepiper@yahoo.com)

15. Give the little yellow smiley some stitches and a crack pipe with a shotgun to blast away the higher prices. (mrkirky@cox.net)

14. "Walmart Personal Shoppers! At the door you can request your very own pasty white, obese, tank top, bike shorts & flip flop wearing, Mountain Dew drinking, NASCAR fan supporting, mother of four to assist you with your shopping." (I can see it now... As I pick up an item to inspect its price and quality she snaps at one of her kids "Put that shit down, damn it!" and I obey and shiver with fear and a guilty look washes over my face. It would be priceless!) (CoyPsyche@aol.com)

13. Contributing an extra 10% to all the families of underage children mortally wounded making the new Walmart uniforms. (Grad2b2002@aol.com)

12. Employee health plan has been sweetened to three boxes of Band-Aids. (Curmudgeon651@comcast.net; GrandPoobah651@comcast.net)

11. Hire more illegals and further mark up prices on impulse items. (WJKbase@aol.com)

10. Generate goodwill by adding "death" as an approved sick day. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

9. Over 100 aisles to get lost in. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

8. Out: In-store McDonalds In: In-store Hooters (freeloosedirt@gmail.com)

7. Allow enough time for bathroom breaks so employees can wash hands. (stan@squidworks.com)

6. A subtle name change to catch the trendy, Scandinavian-style market: Wälmärt (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

5. Introduce into each store one employee who actually knows where things are. (tstrontium90@aol.com)

4. Call their recruiting program "Radical Intersourcing" instead of "Human Trafficking." (tstrontium90@aol.com)

3. New slogan: SOLD in the USA (DOrr221@comcast.net)

2. To make sure their famous "smiley-face" logo is seen by everyone in America, have Lindsey Lohan tatoo it above her crotch. (joseph-blevins@sbcglobal.net)

"I think that I shall never see...a better car than Number 3..."

1. Jeff Gordon poetry night. (rayj0109@gmail.com)