(updated 12 Dec 03)  

Top Ten Ways to Beat the Crowds at the Mall
(Topic suggested by MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

With a club. (penpendisarapen@yahoo.com) Yeah yeah...we knew this was coming en masse - but just felt we should give you the opportunity to let off some pre-holiday aggression here.

Now the list...

10. Roll around on your carpet for 3 hours. You should absorb enough static electricity to shock anyone within an 8 feet of you during the entire shopping trip. (BikeMike101@hotmail.com)

9. Walk in wearing a Haz-Mat suit. (murdoctor@aol.com)

8. A couple of wailing youngsters does wonders in driving people elsewhere. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

7. Planning on winning fabulous prizes from HMO for next Christmas........ (AhOLHOL@aol.com)

6. Pretend you are trying to spray people with a new perfume, the crowd parts like the Red Sea. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

5. Fake your own trampling and blackmail Walmart into giving you everything on your shopping list. (dignan44@yahoo.com)

4. It's hard to beat the old tried and true standards. I suggest eating boiled cabbage and brown beans. (Dspur57098@aol.com)

3. Tell your friends you've become a Procrastinarian and they celebrate Christmas on May 5. Or thereabouts. (SpinyNorma@aol.com)

2. I've found that my Iraqi Martyr costume from Halloween still clears the stores very nicely. (monetmonet@artlover.com)

Brings a whole new meaning to "reach out and touch someone"...

1. While on a cell phone in the middle of a crowd, cough and sniff a few times and then yell loudly "SARS??? I thought you said it was just a cold!" (Storm844@aol.com)