(updated 14 Jan 04)  

Due to the fact I've been sick all week and that I really liked all of these...I present an expanded Top Ten list...

Top Ten Things the US is Doing to Stop the Spread of Mad Cow Disease
(Topic suggested by chharget@aol.com)

22. Sending all bovines to anger management classes. (MrCrayZ@aol.com; mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

21. By forcing grocery stores across the US to remove all jars of Mad Cow Disease Spread from their shelves. You can find it in the peanut butter isle. (bchbums99@cox-internet.com)

20. Encouraging people to eat at Chick-fil-A. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

19. Cattle will now be fattened up with chicken and turkey brains...I mean there's no such thing as Dumb Cow Disease..is there? (jbray4@adelphia.net)

18. No longer worried about fencing the Mexican border to prevent entrance of illegal immigrants, President Bush has proposed a "Great Wall of Canada" to prevent further encroachment of mad cows from the north. (n_zukowski@hotmail.com)

17. The US will now be hoof printing cows before they enter the country. (mtjtc4@comcast.net)

16. They are producing a vetumentary film to promote symptom awareness, entitled.."It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Cow". (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

15. All livestock stables now constantly playing the song, "Don't worry, be happy" (Penguann2@aol.com; kayladykay@aol.com)

14. Changing the name of the disease to the more politically correct "Post Traumatic Milking Disorder" so that more of the afflicted cows will come forward for treatment without fear of persecution. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

13. Stiffer penalties against tipping. (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

12. Begin deleting all references to possible cow madness..."A cow DID NOT jump over the moon," "Mrs. O'Leary never even owned a cow," and destroy any music with cows mooing Christmas songs. (BEIDOL55@aol.com)

11. Pork...the ONLY meat! (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

10. Same thing they're doing for all the other threats we can't defend against: plastic sheeting and duct tape. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

9. Injecting cows with E-coli to see if it kills stops the Mad Cow Disease. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

8. Requiring slaughterhouse employees to wash hands before butchering animals too sick to walk. (chharget@aol.com)

7. New terror-alert system for cows: code red- rare occurrances; code pink- medium occurranecs; code brown- you cows are pretty well-done in. (MrglsJon@aol.com)

6. Providing every store that sells beef with a label to attach to beef packages. Label says, "The Health Department asks that you cut out and discard any suspicious looking parts in this meat." (pjb1671@netscape.net)

5. President Bush announced that pasture would now be used for oil derricks in an effort to reduce the "feeding ground" for this disease. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

4. Hot-dogs will now only be made with lips and a$$holes that have been rinsed off with a garden hose. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

3. Calmly reminding the public their chances of getting Mad Cow disease are far lower than their chances of growing an extra udder from all the exogenous hormones in their milk and beef. (chharget@aol.com)

2. Meat inspectors have agreed to actually inspect the meat. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

And who doesn't have a beef with America nowadays anyway...

1. Vigorously and steadfastly pointing fingers at other countries. (chharget@aol.com)