(updated 19 Jan 05)  

Top Ten Ways President Bush Plans To Lessen The Expense Of The Inauguration Ceremony/Ball

You know...what the hell...if they can spend $40 million for the Inauguration ceremonies...I figured I can "spend" 30...

30. Place it next to the defense budget so as to make it physically appear smaller. (Mistahtom@aol.com)

29. Simple--Clinton on the sax & Lewinsky on the organ. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

28. Cutting the oaths down to "Do you solemnly swear-?" "Hell, yes!" (ListenBucko@yahoo.com)

27. Five words: "Get the door; it's Domino's"! (jd8375@msn.com)

26. Instead of a band, John Ashcroft will be singing a cappella. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

25. Have a "Who Looks the Most Like George Washington" contest with a $1,000,000 prize, sell tickets, and when his mother wins give the prize to the US. (SSCompose@aol.com)

24. I will not buy that new tie I wanted. There's 20 bucks right there! (Dubya@liarsclub.net)

23. Outsource the whole thing to India. (ListenBucko@yahoo.com)

22. Seating arrangements have Dennis Hastert on the opposite side of the room from the buffet. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

21. B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Budget) (kamasushi@aol.com)

20. Bush's old National Guard records will be shredded for tickertape. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

19. He's only going to invite people who like him. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

18. Everyone who drinks less than his daughter Jenna has to pay their bar tab in cash (lexkase@san.rr.com)

17. To light the room he will only burn $10 dollar bills instead of $20. (philden@aol.com)

16. When the bills are due for payment, call Kerry and ask if he'd like to be President for a day. (mr_didgers@hotmail.com)

15. The Inaugural Party entertainment will be Barbara and Jenna, two bottles of Cuervo and a brass pole!! (jdcoops3@aol.com)

14. Cancelled the decorative "Flaming Fountain of Big Oil" planned to sit on the White House Lawn. (mjgiunta@adelphia.net)

13. Parade replaced by stock footage of Lindbergh arriving in New York. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

12. Use HMO contributors as his speech writers. (guitartexn@aol.com)

11. One might note that there's a noticeable lack of material on Jenna and Barbara's gowns. (WJKbase@aol.com)

10. After the ceremony, everyone's going to Jeb's for beer and nachos. (amfpsych@aol.com)

9. Lock up twins in White House closet thus freeing up 100 Secret Servicemen for other duties. (jdh@ja-ad.com)

8. The pearl necklaces in the gift bags will only be matinee length this year. (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)

7. Paying $240,000 to Fox News to tout the frugalness of the ceremonies. (JOSQUARD@aol.com)

6. Only the foods the President can actually pronounce correctly are being put on the menu. (SPTirish@aol.com)

5. "Brought to you by Halliburton" (Donnfair@aol.com; tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

4. No longer handing out free Chapstick for all of the ass-kissing that will be going on. (stan@squidworks.com)

4. Serving Store Brand Ketchup instead of Heinz 57 this time. (l1061s@go.com)

3. Have it at his Texas Ranch and make it a "Working" Inauguration. {wink,wink} (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

2. He plans on ignoring one of the zeros. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Bush's Baked Beans? Hey...wait a minute here...

1. The podium's Presidential Seal will be used for advertising space. (mjgiunta@adelphia.net)