(updated 19 May 03)  

Cheeta's (from Tarzan fame) Top Ten Secrets to Longevity

10. Having wild, freaky human sex. (Guitartexn@aol.com)

9. Was promised a shot at typing something Shakespearean after retirement. (PhelterBiggins@aol.com)

8. Spanking his monkey! That's the obvious answer. (e-merlin@sio.midco.net)

7. #1- Eat A Lot of Bananas.. #56- Keep Active.. #402- Have The Complete Inability To Count.. (gregparsons68@yahoo.com)

6. More than likely, it was the swinging lifestyle. (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

5. Masturbate every day. Then eat some fruit. (craigieb@aol.com)

4. When the guy with the silver fur on his back starts beating his chest...haul ass. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

3. Wash hands after throwing poo. (laugh@starpower.net)

2. Stay far away from any research laboratory. (rem7202@aol.com)

And to think...Cheeta managed this without any help from PETA...

1. Not being harmed in the making of his films. DUH! (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)