(updated 21 May 04)  

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Secretly Dating A Pirate

10. "Blow the man down" has taken on an entirely new meaning. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

9. He laughs hysterically, then blushes furiously every time the word "booty" is mentioned. (SSilverDolphin9@aol.com)

8. Two words: "thigh splinters". (deweyever@attbi.com; paracletus3@aol.com)

7. Charges made to credit card account for wood polish, parrot food, and one Reebok. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

6. You ask her what rating a certain movie got, and she says "Arrrr! I mean... R!" (toohip4rm@aol.com; junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

5. Dents in the linoleum of your bathroom look suspiciously like peg legs marks. (m.giunta@comcast.net)

4. She spurns undergarments unless they latch using metal hooks. (atwright73@yahoo.com)

3. You make a surprise visit home at lunch only to find your wife alone in bed, but there's a parrot perched on the headboard. (m.giunta@comcast.net)

2. She starts calling you a "two-eyed, bipedal moron". (gambleandbluff@aol.com)

I wouldn't worry about this...he was probably just "Kidd"ing around with you...

1. Has begun wearing "the patch"...claims it is to stop smoking, but you've never seen a black one worn over one eye before. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

The Ones That Almost Made It