(updated 22 May 03)  

Top Ten Ways NBC's Martha Stewart Movie Could Have Been More Entertaining

10. Lock Martha Stuart and Cybill Shepherd into a small cage for 5 days, then throw a shred of decency in and watch them fight over it. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

9. Combine Martha's biography with Hitler's. (lexkase@san.rr.com)

8. When angry, have her head turn beat-red and steam shoot out of her ears. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

7. Make her cook with an Easy Bake Oven. (Mistahtom@aol.com)

6. The director's cut on Cinemax, in which Martha makes an intriguing party favor out of powdered sugar, feathers, and Angelina Jolie. (williemelmoth@aol.com)

5. If, instead of Martha Stewart they had Jimmy Stewart but in like a Rambo outfit with Teletubbies following him around with guns. Then there could be a big shoot out and Santa flies over and drops clones of Louie Anderson's head and they explode, wiping out the Teletubbies and leaving Jimmy to save the naked 18 year old blonde Amazon princess from the clutches of Hillok the Norseman. Yeah..that's right! (sonamahbeach@aol.com)

4. I didn't watch the movie, but I DID record it and used the tape to make some lovely bows and doilies (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

3. Each time Martha was shown using a knife in the kitchen, the music from the shower-stab scene in "Psycho" should have been played. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

2. Bruce Willis cameo - "Do birds bird? Do bees bee? Whip me up a little pot roast there, Marty." (dinosaur1972@aol.com)

So, what you are trying to say...is that the movie was a real tear-"jerker"?...

1. Every time Martha was shown speaking, her ex-husband should have appeared in a smaller box on the screen, with one corner of his mouth turned down, moving his fist up and down in the universal "jerk-off" signal. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

The Ones That Almost Made It