(updated 24 Jan 04)  

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Criminally Insane

Okay...call me insane...but I picked 11...

11. Would poison the city's water supply, but their friend, The Right Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte E Du Pont De Nemours, might get hurt. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

10. When the press mixes up the terms "decapitated" with "disembodied". (lexkase@san.rr.com)

9. The voices that told you to do it in the first place, never say a peep once the cops show up. (darkmanwork@hotmail.com)

8. With me and my 12 personalities, how can they call it solitary confinement? (VxAnthraX@aol.com)

7. Padded cell is Egg Shell, I asked for Antique White. (endocrom@aol.com)

6. The detectives never compliment you for leaving such a spotless crime scene. (mrsbrak@fastmail.fm)

5. Count the bricks count the bricks I keep counting the bricks and they just keep going around the walls in a circle! (DOrr@jam.rr.com)

4. Sometimes have to buy more than one magazine to get the right fonts to paste onto ransom notes. (tainsam@aol.com)

3. Patsy Cline records. (airfarcewon@aol.com)

2. I'M crazy?! You're the ones who elected George Dubya. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Guess you didn't "bank" on that, huh? Get it...their pens are on chains, too? Oh, I cut myself up...stop me, I'm dying here (okay, I'll stop with the puns now)...

1. The short length of the chains that hold the knives and forks to the table in prison. You have to cut the meat(MMmmm!), move the plate over, pick up the piece on the fork, put it in your mouth(MMmmm!), move the plate, cut the meat(MMmmmmm!)........ (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

The Ones That Almost Made It