(updated 5 Mar 03)  

Top Ten Ways Oprah Can Increase Her $1 Billion Net Worth Even More

10. Host and win a pie-eating contest. (Omegamagezero@aol.com)

9. Buy the state of Mississippi where she came from. No, wait that would decrease her net worth. Never mind. (DOrr@jam.rr.com)

8. Sell vials of her liposuctioned fat on pendent necklaces. (iamzachmo@msn.com; Herzogvon@aol.com)

7. Two words: Cattle Futures (jedvsjed@aol.com)

6. "Stedman! Get your G-string! You're going on tour!" (Profishgyd@aol.com)

5. Since Dr. Phil's success, she decides to produce other talk shows starring her gynecologist, proctologist, and her ear, nose and throat specialist. (rodentsRRed@hotmail.com)

4. Just get her to shut up. I'll pay! (ldolphin34@hotmail.com; Cantw82paint@aol.com)

3. First part of the year....ads for Burger King, second part, ads for Weight Watchers. Either way she wins. (samuraikc2002@aol.com)

2. Buy Turkey and rent it out to the US Army for the next few months. (spamalope@access4less.net)

I can't wait to see Pat and Kenny read THAT show's transcripts...

1. Finally allow David Letterman to come on her show, then announce a hostile takeover of CBS. (Herzogvon@aol.com)