(updated 6 Jan 05)  

Top Ten Floats You'd Probably Never See In The Rose Parade...And What The Announcers Might Say

First off...the floats for the Rose Parade are made of flowers and plant material...every little inch of them...unless this was covered with eucalyptus, acacia, and dried pampas grass...I doubt it would happen...but, just in case...

The Hindenberg float..."Here it comes and...it's burst into flames! This is terrible. This is the worst of the worst catastrophes...it's headed towards the San Diego Zoo Marine Life float and...Oh, the huge manatee!!! (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

And now the "real" list...

10. "Well here comes the Cialis float, and it's HUGE!" (m.giunta@comcast.net)

9. The Pasadena Plumbers Porta Potty Pink Pansy Float, A Giant Working Toilet Constructed from Pink and Purple Pansies. "Get a load of this Crapper coming down the street." (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

8. The Feminist Nutcracker Float. "His Sugar Plums sure aren't safe from that angry fairy, Bob." (hunkafunk@hotmail.com)

7. "And here comes our "Fat Actress" float! Yes, it's actually Kirstie Alley folks! We just glued a few (non edible) flowers on her and some wheels and there she goes!" (BRE727@aol.com)

6. The "It's a Holiday Bris" Float! "That Moyle dressed as Santa Claus really has his work cut out for him, Sue." (hunkafunk@hotmail.com) Uh...Jewish Santa? Okay, I'll let it slide...only cause I'm still in a "festivey" kinda mood.

5. Juan Valdez Statue Columbian Entry Float: "This float was given a Timothy Leary Award for the highest float ever. The body of Juan Valdez is completely comprised of grass, mushrooms, weed, poppy seeds and coca leaves....street value of the float estimated at 5 million dollars." (maxcel200@aol.com)

4.The History Channel's "War of the Roses" float..."Gee, Dave...you'da figured they would have used...oh, I don't know...maybe some ROSES in this float??" (JustBob@hotmail.com)

3. BYU's Micro-brewery Float "That's right, kids, this float's for you! Delicious root beer mugs (plastered by Brazil nuts), topped by overflowing foam (lovingly represented by seaweed grass, weeping willow, and asters), whirling and twirling around those 30' straws (actually, those are bamboo, did you know that, Stephanie? 'Why, yes I did, because I have the same notes that you do. I'll thank you not to speak so condescendingly to me. It's not like you've had some sudden revelation that didn't already occur to the rest of us ignorami, Bob!') (paracletus3@aol.com)

2. "...and here we have the NASCAR float. Notice that every petal is held firmly to the metal." (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Be afraid, be very afraid...

1. The American Anthrophobia Society......I'm afraid I can't comment on that one. (lanny888@yahoo.com)