(updated 8 Mar 05)  

Top Ten Things Martha Stewart Learned In the "Big House" That She Can Use When She Gets Out
(Topic suggested by DOrr@jam.rr.com)

10. No time to make a holiday pie from scratch? Then give your bitch a beat-down and make her do it. (lexkase@san.rr.com)

9. Cooking crappy prison food makes you lose a lot of weight. (tpanner@inorbit.com; Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

8. Orange slacks really do make your ass look pumpkin-like! (Belgmorris@aol.com)

7. Found out she could earn $400 million by playing "Martyr Stewart". (BPaul317@aol.com)

6. Dissent in a board meeting? Nothing changes a person's mind faster than a shiv to the kidneys. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

5. Advice on how you don't have to be rich to live in a 'gated community'. (maxcel200@aol.com)

4. Baton sticks make great replacement curtain rods. (JOSQUARD@aol.com)

3. There's definitely a demand for lower quality bed linen and towels. (WJKbase@aol.com)

2. Horizontal lines make you look fat, but vertical bars on your windows will cancel that out. (handarazuur@hotmail.com)

Ah...so that explains why she wore that poncho...

1. ...That being "a bitch" and being "someone's bitch" are two vastly different things. (amfpsych@aol.com)