(updated 24 Jan 04)  

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the Criminally Insane

The Ones That Almost Made It:

Dearth of worthy adversaries since Batman and Superman died. (TerriKlein@aol.com)

While burying a body you discover you already used this hole. (dajakaiss@aol.com)

Those little voices in my head think I'm the only person in the whole world that can kill all the whores. Hey, I'm getting burned out here! (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

Every time the phone rings, you feel obligated to shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" (danisy72@comcast.net)

The voices in your head all sound like Fran Drescher. (witsend@sevinex.com)

That Jacko is using all their good lines. (DOrr@jam.rr.com)

HMO refusing category suggestions like "Top Ten things I Did to My Mother After I Axed Her to Death". (witsend@sevinex.com)

Hannibal Lechter gets all the attention. (rod.renner@juno.com)

That "Misdemeanorly Insane" doesn't roll off the tongue near as nicely. (chefrandy@charter.net)

New OSHA requirements make vivisecting a person take much longer. (chharget@aol.com)

Frosted Thorazine Flakes never stay crunchy in milk. (j.nalick@verizon.net)

You try finding a wine that goes with human! (chharget@aol.com)

No chocolate-covered mints on the asylum pillows. (Pootybrew@earthlink.net)

I used to sit by the window and I could see the squirrels and they were merry but if they move my desk one more time I'll have to set the building on fire and the ratio of people to cake is not enough and last time I didn't get any cake but they promised me that next time.... (darkmanwork@hotmail.com)

You find a sex partner you really like, and eventually you have to make that awkward choice between sleeping with them or eating them. (chharget@aol.com)

When the voices in their head give them the 'silent treatment'. (hunterj@iwon.com)

Having to wear those white jackets after Labor Day. (Penguann2@aol.com; jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

There are never enough flies to pull the wings off of. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

Everyone still tastes like chicken. (StanYan1@aol.com)

Why doesn't Walmart carry torture devices? They carry every other damn thing! (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

Your dog is a better stalker than you are. (jbray4@adelphia.net)