(updated 21 May 04)  

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Secretly Dating A Pirate

The Ones That Almost Made It:

You're pretty sure she doesn't own a gold hoop earring like the one you found in bed. (chharget@aol.com)

Insists on eating at Long John Silver's every single damn night! (kamasushi@aol.com; robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

You've had to ask your wife why her jewelry box is buried in the back yard. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Peg leg imprints in the bedroom carpeting. (discodon2000@aol.com)

Well, I know she's in an illicit relationSHIP... (airfarcewon@aol.com)

While watching basketball you go on about a great "hook shot," and she just giggles uncontrollably. (chharget@aol.com)

She abruptly yells "Arr matey! Yes! Yes! Hoist yer mast" during orgasm. (RWich928@aol.com)

Parrot dropping on bed post and you don't own a bird. (rampage1984@msn.com; jdcoops3@aol.com)

She begins doing an oddly suspicious amount of 'swabbing' around the house. (m.giunta@comcast.net)

Spends an awful lot of time in Pittsburgh. (archerjoe@hotmail.com; steve_medel@oxy.com)

After sex, she tells you she had a terrific "AAARRRGHASM"! (guitartexn@aol.com; zenphoenix@yahoo.com)

Only booze found in the liquor cabinet is Capt. Morgan Spiced Rum (chefrandy@charter.net)

Begins to YARR! and orders you to "Batten down the main brace" and make sure you "Shiver her timbers" during sex. (SSJskittle@msn.com)

You find a parrot feather in the backseat of the car. (murdoctor@aol.com)

The computer you share with your wife suddenly has all of the latest versions of software and some you never knew existed. (rod.renner@juno.com; william.fishburne@verizon.net)

When driving minivan, refers to a lefthand turn as "hard-a-port"... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)