Tweak Of The Week CI: Tweak Of The Weak...uh Week
(Updated 15 Nov 04)

Last time around, we challenged you to come up with a very "brilliantly-bad" Tweak contest idea of your own. We let the contest run longer than usual, but only because we figured that way we'd be more apt to get actual GOOD useable ones, that we could tweak later on. All in all, I think you guys really did a great job...and if we had a couple more Tamagochi's, probably would have just ended up with a two or three-way tie...but we didn't, so we have runners-up instead. And if we would've had a winner based only on the best title, I really would have had a hard time choosing that one...so pull up a comfy chair as this one's long, guys.

This first one rather "cheats"...but no one said he couldn't, so I left it in. We are also waiting on a couple "titles" that we did stipulate they have, but we didn't want to be meanies and not give their entries the nod...so as soon as they are provided we will amend them...well, you know...when I get around to it, that is. Lastly, bear in mind this contest was up before the election as well.

Listen closely...as this Tweak makes absolutely NO sense. Well, IT does, but we hope YOURS doesn't...within reason. Chharget@aol.com suggested this contest concept, and it's actually strange enough in it's inception that it might prove invaluable...for reasons beknownst only to me, unless of course you can figure it out. Whatever, you say...and you are right...let's move on, shall we? What Chharget suggested was for you to do your worst...make up an absolutely brilliantly BAD Tweak contest idea for us. Now, we know we've already had some that were bad enough NOT to use...but we want a little more out of you - we want creatively bad...wittily bad...bad with no equal in cerebral magnitude (well, okay...some of you are waaay out there...and we hope your Tweaks won't be on a level that we'd need to renew our Discovery magazines to figure out). I would hate to try to explain something that "I" can't understand...so I think you know what I'm saying...just make them "pseudo-understandable"...but wittily funny, dammit! And to make it a tad more interesting...we want you to creatively NAME your contest...you don't have to give us any examples for it (unless it's very confusing...and then we might even ask you for it) - but feel free to send some as well if you'd like. So, again, to simplify: We want a very bad witty, funny, off-the-wall, cerebrally challenging Tweak contest idea...AND your creative title for said contest (examples are optional, unless I ask for them). Chharget, in his apparent "more time than he knows what to do with at work" suggestion to me, sent along these examples, which can only be introduced as "works of brilliant boredom". I give you, his examples (btw, he also wins an origami and howmanyever RA's for this suggestion)....... BUT IN FRENCH. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

Dollars and Scents: Take an existing perfume name (or invent your own) and write the advertisement it really should have to tell the consumer what they're really getting. Include the price it really should have. (chharget@aol.com)

Hairy Kerry: Give your reason why Kerry lost the Presidential campaign by comparing the second to last debate. Choose one key word from that debate and change it so it would provide a more compelling speech. Given he would have won that debate- just for fun add the points needed to beat Bush by 10% of the votes. (BRE727@aol.com)

Tone Death: If you could have any famous person in the world record your incoming answering machine message, who would it be and what would they say? (chharget@aol.com)

Compose a Petrarchan sonnet on the meaning of life using nothing but quotes from movies directed by Ed Wood. (dart270@geocities.com)

Let's Get Sorted: Take any object or substance you posses more than 100 of and sort them carefully by date, rank of significance or even just alphabetically, if you tend to the lazy. Choosing one word to describe each example, use those words to write a short essay about the joys of sorting things. As soon as Cadeaux determines what the hell it is that has been sorted, a winner will be chosen based on the originality and quality of your obsession. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

State of the Younion: Pretend you are the President of the You S. A. and everything that happens in your personal life is of critical national importance. Write a 20 minute speech about every relationship, every career-threatening encounter, every home and auto security and safety concern you have. Make it passionate. Mark clearly where your audience would stand up and applaud. (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Pattois: Change the name of something nationalistic into something patriotic. Ex: French Fries - Freedom Fries. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

Parallel Uni-verse: Pretend there is a parallel universe but there is a slight warp or fissure in the separation with our universe. What you do is come up with that slight tweak or difference caused by the warp, i.e., Martha Stewart gets one year probation or "only one person doesn't like Sara Lee". But you must present it in verse form of three stanzas or more with two measures in iambic pentameter and provide a theory of how a ripple effect may cause that altered parallel universe to morph into two or more adjacent parallel universes. (maxcel200@aol.com)

BicenTOTWenial Celebration: Since we've reached the 100th Tweak of the Week, we want you to predict the topic of the 200th Tweak of the Week. Using what you determine to be the mindset of the people behind TOTW, as well as basic humor and comedy theories and principles, chart a list of 5 random TOTW's between 100 and 200 which will give the reader a general idea of how we reached the topic of the 200th TOTW. If, heaven forbid, you do not believe we will reach the 200th occurrence of TOTW, create a chart of 5 events, using those now familiar comedy/humor theories, that lead to the demise of this honored contest. As a tiebreaker, also predict the coveted prize we will give away to the winner at that time by projecting what objects (i.e. Britney Spears unopened CD's, Paris Hilton original sex act tapes, unopened packages of failed lo-carb food products) will have reached supreme kitsch value at that moment, not to mention will still be found buried in some drawer of one of our valued TOTW staff members. (JOSQUARD@aol.com)

For Whom Nobel Tolls: Take any Nobel prize winner from history and write a funny acceptance speech for them. Example: Marie Curie; "I'd like to thank all the little people out there who made this all possible, hopefully the shrinking process wasn't permanent. Also, a big shout out to the folks who make Rogaine, thanks guys!" (MrglsJon@aol.com)

Forum Indecorum: Contestants find a forum on the Internet, then name three things that they could say on it to create a lot of arguing there. (ListenBucko@yahoo.com)

Remember the Alimony: Name a famous divorce case which involved an obscene amount of money. Name the couple, describe who got what, and give examples of how the money each received was spent. Now change the names to show how a different famous couple would have handled the same amount of money, the pets, the children, etc. Extra points will be given to those who cite famous divorce cases from North Dakota, South Dakota, or Nebraska. Points will be deducted if you mention Elizabeth Taylor. (pjb1671@netscape.net)

Know Gnu Taxes: Take any line of our current tax code and rearrange the words in any manner that would provide us with a new law that would be offensive to alpacas. Extra points for haikus! (stan@squidworks.com)

Don't Quote Me II: This is just like the last version, only this time you are to choose a movie that only you and maybe a couple of your weirdo friends remember. Examples - Jay Robinson in "Demetrius and the Gladiators" ORIGINAL: "I had a prisoner killed. I ordered him to rise. He's still dead!" REVISED: "I had a prisoner baked. I ordered him to rise. Perhaps I should have added some yeast?" Ming the Merciless in "Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe": ORIGINAL: "Zarkov! YOU! You destroyed my laboratory!" Revised: "Jerck-off! You destroyed my lavatory. And me with a bladder the size of the Sacred Gourd of Mongo!" (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Our two runner-ups...who, in addition to the 25 RA's...also win an origami of their choice...

Presidential Parton: Take the two boobs running for President and switch them with convicted felons. Then, explain what the former jailbirds have in common with candidate they are replacing. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

Killed with Kindness: Pick a famous serial murderer and change his/her nickname so that her/his serial activity is more benign. Provide the original nickname, the new nickname, and a description of the activity. Example: Jack the Tipper (orginal: Jack the Ripper) throws the contents of his wallet onto the table after a good meal. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

And our winner of that "could be working/could be broken Tamagotchi", whose idea basically stinks...in the best...er...worst way possible...

Wholely Mackerel: Take a classic play from the Elizabethan through the Victorian period, and update its plot as a Disney/Pixar/Dreamworks computer animated flick starring, what else, fish. An example would be, "A Manta Ray For All Seasons" in which our honorable hero, preacher Tommy Ray, is told to support the King Fisher or he'll be floating belly up by morning. (chharget@aol.com)



I figured I might as well take advantage of the upcoming Christmas holiday to unload...um...to give away some nifty holiday stuff that I bought for considerably less at some "After Christmas Sale" than shipping is going to cost me to mail it to the winner. But that's not the point...the point is what is up for grabs this time around...and that something is a 4-piece set of 10"x14" Reusable Sticky Stencils from a company I never heard of, Goodmark USA, Inc...that is based out of the most Christmassy part of the country (NOT)...Boca Raton, Florida. Anyway, it says you can put it on a mirror or window, spray the snow (that's not provided) on it...then remove, wipe, and put it back where it came from...for countless years more same enjoyment (well, I added that last part). I know you are all just dying to know which four holiday-themed stencils there are, and I'm just aching to tell you: I would figure it would be a Star of Bethlehem (which looks kinda like a comet), reindeer prancing/posing in an arched window (which is the archetypical...get it...ha ha...nevermind...Christmas happening I've never witnessed anywhere before), Santa and his two, or four (depending on if you believe two reindeer could possibly be completely in step with the other two) reindeer pulling him and the sleigh, and lastly...a Christmas tree. This wonderful prize can be yours...only if you win this Tweak...and maybe, with any luck, I'll even make a whole-hearted effort to mail this to you in time for the holiday. (Photo to follow shortly.)


Cereal Killers

Well, for this next Tweak, I thought I'd draw upon grade-school mentality...that way no one would have an excuse NOT to participate. Just kidding...well the last part...the first part is true, but with a twist. My daughter's "project" she's been having to do is to come up with a new breakfast cereal, design a box, etc., based on a book she read. So, I thought this might be kind of interesting for us to do as well...with a slight modification since you can't really go out and design your own box and show me. What I thought would be the rules are this: Come up with a name of a cereal based on a book (title or author) or film (I'm generous)...then play "ad-guy" and do up a little slogan for it as well. Of course, wittily tying it into the book/film or cereal - all the better. I came up with a couple below...my lovely "ice-pick" headache's been back the last two days, so if they suck...there's my excuse. If the name change is quite different from the original, please include the original with your entry.

Examples:

Anne Rice Krispies: Betcha can't wait to sink your teeth into them.

Special JFK: No conspiracy here...just bite the bullet and eat seven bowls a week and watch the pounds magically disappear. We have conclusive evidence to back this up.

Cereal de Bergerac: Just follow your nose!