Tweak Of The Week CIII: I Just Don't Buy It
(Updated 31 Dec 04)

Last time around we asked you to come up with a product that hasn't been made yet...a REALLY uncalled for, far-fetched, or otherwise just plain moronic product...then come up with a marketing gimmick for it that makes it "unique" and/or an advertising strategy for it.

Lucky Strike Edible Brand: The "sweetest" smoke you can have...because we've replaced the cotton in the filters with cotton candy! Fight cigarette butt pollution: when you've finished your smoke, you can eat the butt. Try environmentally friendly Luck Strike Edibles. (Ringo@illuSchoen.net)

Along the 'kid' theme... "Neatnik Kid's Booster Seat". Tired of cleaning up crumbs and bits of sandwich after your child's meals? This unique battery powered seat can be programmed to make a variety of loud animal noises whenever food of any kind hits it. Programmable for loud and extra loud, this seat can encourage the sloppiest kid to eat neatly if not become totally anorexic. (kayladykay@aol.com)

Biodegradable Coffin: Why bury a box that remains 1,000 times longer than your loved one's remains? This environmentally friendly coffin is impregnated with powerful enzymes that speed decomposition of the box and contents--dust to dust in no time! Combine it with our granite-looking, papier-mâché headstone and as memories fade, so does the evidence. By reusing the family plot, think of all the money you can save for generations to come! Sign up for our Pay Now, Go Later Plan. Brought to you by Perpetual Temporary, Inc. (rod.renner@juno.com)

Introducing our new "Musical Rain Indicator"! This $14.99 handy-dandy gadget hangs on it's own cord (included)outdoors. If you're ever unsure of whether it's raining or sunny, just step outside and pull down on the "Musical Rain Indicator"! It's that easy! Our state-of-the-art mono aural speaker will chime out "Good Morning, Mary Sunshine" (reg. TM.) if it's sunny, or wheeze out "Rain, Rain Go Away"(reg. TM.) if there's a drop of rain in the sky! That's not all! Order right now, and we'll install a hook to hang your umbrella on, absolutely FREE! Indoor versions ARE available for one dollar extra, but can cause blinding headaches, loss of sleep, and nausea. An excellent gift idea: Order yours TODAY! (paracletus3@aol.com)

Prison Cell Phone: Tired of going to jail and only getting one call? Now you can smuggle in your own phone. It's the Prison Cell Phone! The phone is phallic-shaped and is small enough to be comfortably inserted into your rectum. Warning: Remove phone before being raped. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

The Tupperware Digital Lettuce Crisper: Place your favorite head of lettuce in the DLC and burp the seal. Each time that you open your fridge and logon to our convenient toaster-sized, frost-proof digital CPU with 12” display you will can choose from two sets of veggie-diagnostics, the primary readout will display humidity, pigmentation rating and decomposition readings from the core of your lettuce along with rate of decay and predicted inedibility, while the secondary readout is a smiley or frowney face. (monetmonet@artlover.com)

Lightning Rod Kits ... for golfers, hikers, and other outdoor enthusiasts. 25' high rod with shoulder mount, two 50' grounding wires with attached stakes, and rubber-handled hammer. When you go outdoors simply slip on the convenient shoulder mount and rod. Then drive in your first stake. Walk up to 100', drive in your second stake, walk back to your first, and repeat as necessary. Remember to repair your stake marks on the greens. (globalview1@aol.com)

Crotchless underwear for men...heck, they're sexy on her, right? (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

Cell Phone and 23 Megawatt Laser Range Finder: If you're running out of reasons to call your wife while you stroll through the grocery store parking lot, we've got a new toy for you. Imagine this conversation: "Hey, honey! Guess What! The moon is 2.3342 inches farther away today than it was yesterday. How about that!". Thrill her with the distance to the WalMart across the street. Range that 747 passing overhead at 20,000 feet down to the nanometer. Imagine! Run short on conversation no longer, but order now while we still have grudging consent from Homeland Security. Comes with handy lead-lined carrying case. Replacement fuel rods require strict AEC approval. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

"Tootsie Rolls for Dogs" Wrappers: The dog's gonna eat them out of the litter box anyway, so why not wrap those cat droppings up in our specially marked wrappers? It'll make him feel just like one of the family as he feasts on his special candies that look just like the little ones your children eat! (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

The Magic HMO Ball: Guaranteed to detect whether an entry will be selected or if you should just sit this one out. Shake it to reveal one of the following answers: “Great Entry But She Won't Get It”, “Not This Week, Cad’s PMS-ing”, “Arsenio Good, But Not Letterman Good”, “Dude, What Were You Thinking?”, “Definite Winner (What Could Possibly Go Wrong?)” and “Needs More Off-The-Wall-yness” (monetmonet@artlover.com)

Miracle Writ: The only ballpoint pen guaranteed to write under mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup and even whipped cream. Tired of being caught at sporting events and rock extravaganzas when that once-in-a-lifetime autograph opportunity comes along, and all you have is a condiment soiled wrapper on which to capture that magic moment? Ordinary pens just peter out, but Miracle Writ can literally cut the mustard! Miracle Writ: For the stuff creams are made of. [Optional visual: "Why, thank you, Mr. Artest!"] (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Rolex "That Doesn't Keep Time That Well": Even Rolex pulls off a few clunkers every now and then. If you don't mind running a few minutes slow, the new "In the Ballpark" line of watches might be just for you. Who hasn't missed a few subway trains, or been late for a date, or even a job interview. Who cares? If you get there late, at least you'll get there with a genuine Rolex on you wrist. What potential mate or potential employer wouldn't be impressed. And now you can have the greatest wrist watch ever made without breaking the bank. $59.99 for 3 minutes slow per day. $39.99 for 4 minutes slow. $19.99 for 5 minutes or more. Comparable prices for the fast running series. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

Our last co-winners of the year...who will both recieve those "skimpy material" Christmas flags...

Now YOU can join our own exclusive "Eskimo Word For Snow Of The Month Club". Remember learning in school, or who the hell knows where else, about the multitude of phrases and words used to describe the white powdery stuff, kanut (there's one right there!), by the people who show they really know snow? Yes, if you order now, every 30 or so days we'll have delivered, right to your door, a new word the actual Natives of Alaska use for quahak (there's another exciting sample!). Impress your friends! Curse that crap you have to scrape and lift off your sidewalks and driveway in a whole new language! Call and join TODAY! (rockitower@aol.com)

The Sassy Blood Pressure Gauge: Do you need some positive reinforcement or, more importantly, some not-so-gentle reminders about your blood pressure? Well, we've got the tool for you. The Sassy BPG will actually speak to you, and, depending on your blood pressure, really give you an earful. If you're a woman and your reading is 120 systolic and 60 diastolic, you get a peppy "You go girl." If you're a man with the same reading you hear, "You doin' fine sweet thang." A woman with 135 over 80 hears, "Yo yo yo sister, you need to cut down on the salt." A man hears, "Get your fat ass out of the chair and on to the seat of that bike you never ride." A woman with 160 over 100 hears, "Listen here bitch! You want to leave your babies without a mama? You gots to see a doctor." A man hears "Hey, motha f***a! You got mouths to feed. Now get with the program!" And on and on. We're offering a limited time 2 for 1 deal for the holidays, so order today! (tpanner@inorbit.com)



Well, with 2005 fast approaching and those yearly calendars selling for $9.00 and up at Barnes & Noble until February when they discount them 1/2 off...then March when they all go for a buck each, I thought it would be quite logical and über-nice of me to offer one or two up this time around. The runner-up or co-winner (depending on how we end up doing it in the end)...will receive a nice 2005 USAA "Full of Patriotic Armed Forces Photos" calendar...the winner, well, because it is much, much, much more tacky, will get to display the "lovely" 2005 Elderly Instruments "Chock Full of Guitars, Banjos, and Other Stringed Instruments" calendar (I just checked their website and they actually sell these for $5.00...so, hey, we aren't as cheap as I originally thought). Yes, this one is definitely out of sight. Wait, what I meant to say was that you will probably display this one for months completely out of sight of anyone...possibly even yourself. Sure, they don't have scantily clad gorgeous models in them or pretty Sierra Club photos...but they do have one thing those others don't...a totally free price tag...and one of these can be yours IF you win the Tweak this time around. (Photo to follow shortly.)


You Shouldn't Judge A Book...or Movie...By Its Cover

What this new Tweak entails is to take a book or movie title and come up with a disclaimer based on title alone. It seems that everything is fair game when it comes to products...if it doesn't have a disclaimer on it stating not to do something and you do the something...get a good lawyer and a willing judge and you are basically "In like Flynn"...who coincidentally, was once on trial and was also in movies. And that brings us back to our original idea...pretend you are the dream legal team behind the scenes...just having to guess every single angle someone might work to their advantage to sue...then come up with a funny, silly, off-the-wall, etc., disclaimer for the film or book...again, based on title alone.

Here are a couple examples I came up with just in case I confused you more than legalese does:

"The Gay Divorcee" disclaimer: This film, while it contains the word "Gay", in no way has any homosexual content. Gay once (if you can actually believe it) meant "happy"...had the film-makers known about this 30 years prior, they probably would have cast Leslie Howard in the title role instead of Fred Astaire...altho Leslie probably wasn't gay and definitely didn't dance as well...he did look more "foppish" than Astaire.

"To Kill A Mockingbird" disclaimer: Altho I really haven't read the book...I don't think there is any real killing of birds in it...well, not much at least....so you PETA people can just back off.