Tweak Of The Week CIV: You Shouldn't Judge A Book...or Movie...By Its Cover
(Updated 20 Jan 05)

Last time we wanted you to take an actual book or movie...and come up with a disclaimer for it based on the title. We had an awesome bunch of entries...and I picked quite a few as you can go grab a drinkie, pull up your chair and get set for some good reading...

"The Sun Also Rises" disclaimer: But not necessarily while you're watching this movie. If it is still dark when the picture ends, don't call or write; just be patient. (

"The Blair Witch Project" disclaimer: This movie is not a documentary on PM Tony Blair's wife's makeover. We apologize to any offended Brits. (

"The Polar Express" Disclaimer: While the title of this film might also be part of a phrase used as a euphemism for having sex with your wife on a cold winters night, such a euphemism has nothing whatsoever to do with the adventures of the computer animated, and we might add rather creepy looking, children in this film. "The Polar Express" is a train, in the truest literal sense, run by a bunch of computer animated Tom Hanks' who, come to think of it, are also rather creepy looking. Actually, you might want to reconsider taking your children to this flick. (

"The Phantom Menace" - Please Note: The "Menace" is, in fact, George Lucas for perpetrating this boring piece of self-derivative tripe. Please do not waste time looking for a villain in the movie. (

"From Here to Eternity" Disclaimer: While the movie title presumes an infinite progress of time the makers do not rule out a closed universe where time may actually come to an end. (

"Singin' in the Rain" disclaimer: Under no uncertain terms, do we suggest you go outside, and sing in the rain. This may lead to pneumonia, and even drowning, if you hold your face up in the rain. (

"The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas": Warning: Do not overpay to see this film, as it does not offer a comprehensive survey of ALL the whorehouses in Texas. Hell, you can git better stuff on the Internet. (

“The Anarchist’s Cookbook” – The author wishes to state this is not a “how to” book for cooking Anarchists, as cannibalism is illegal in many northern states. (

"Apocalypse Now"- The producers do not condone or promote the Apocalypse, Armageddon, Doomsday or the end of the world, now or at any point in time, nor do they endorse any act which may, directly or indirectly, lead to the termination of mankind. (

"Dr. Strangelove" disclaimer: Contrary to popular rumor, porn star Ron Jeremy does not appear in this film. There are no bizarre or perverse sexual acts in this film. There is not even any nudity in this film. This film has no pornographic content whatsoever...unless, of course, you count Slim Pickens riding a giant phallic symbol out of the bomb-bay of a B-52 Stratofortress. (

"Born Free" disclaimer: This movie does not mean to imply, that with today's high cost of hospital and medical care, that it would be possible for someone to be born free. (

"Windows for Dummies" disclaimer: This book makes no attempt to humiliate or cast the reader in a disparaging light. Though you may very well be technically ignorant and hopelessly skilled at some of the most fundamental computer basics, it is not our intention to make you feel like any less of a contributing member of this ignorant pack of roaming idiots we call a "society". What? Have you been living under a rock? I mean - come on already! What's it take to get you to retain some of this friggin stuff?!... (

"Wuthering Heights" Disclaimer: The publishers will not be responsible for any confusion over the title of this book. "Wuthering" is not a misprint. Wuthering is a perfectly good word that means (of the wind) blowing strongly or blustering. Look it up moron. (

"Finding Neverland" - Warning: This movie is about the Peter Pan Neverland, not the Michael Jackson Neverland. We will not be held responsible for the touching, groping or fondling of anyone by Michael Jackson, nor the forced ingestion of "Jesus Juice" or "Michael Milk" from his "Stiffy Straw", should you go looking for THAT Neverland. You have been warned. (

"Pillow Talk" - disclaimer: this movie does NOT feature pillows talking, nor any other inanimate objects. it does not require you to take mind-altering drugs to "hear the pillows" as was rumored, though you may take them if you wish. the main characters, in fact, are NOT pillows, but people, even though they ARE kinda stuffy when you get right down to it. (

"The Butterfly Effect" - Disclaimers: We are not responsible if you're too stupid to figure out the following just by looking at the cover: -This is a serious film. If you're looking for laughs, rent one of the DVDs of the Bush/Kerry debates. -It is not a documentary; you will learn nothing about butterflies, and you will NOT see close-up video of them mating. (Sicko). -You will NOT learn how to do an Olympic swim stroke. -You will NOT learn an interesting way of using your mouth and tongue to drive your lover wild. -You will NOT learn whatever happened to the Pussycat Swallowtail caught on Gilligan's Island. -This DVD is for rental only. "Butterflys" are NOT free. (

"Con Air" disclaimer: It no way should it be affiliated with the hair dryer. (

From Here to Eternity: Great war movie but there is no way to get from here to eternity. I even checked it out at the mall. 'You Are Here' signs never mention how to get to eternity. For now I'll just settle for the May Co. (

"Women in Love" disclaimer: Look dude, unfortunately the women in this book aren't in love with each other. They are in love with other men. I know, I saw the movie version and it was really disappointing. Check out The Penthouse Forum. You can't go wrong with that. (

"Steal This Book!" - Warning: If you do, we'll arrest your ass. (

Catcher in the Rye: Okay, all you semi-literate couch potatoes, this has nothing to do with Johnny Bench, Mike Piazza, or your local deli. So just turn the TV back on to ESPN and let it go at that. (

"PATTON" : Actually, it's more likely it has a copyright. (

"Meet The Fockers"--- Warning: This entire movie is premised upon a weak, adolescent humor about words or names that sound somewhat like a "dirty" word. If you still giggle when you hear the name "Lipschitz," or "shiitake mushrooms," you'll appreciate the humor in this movie. Otherwise, you may prefer to stay outside the circle of trust and see something else. (

"What Women Want" disclaimer: This is fiction, men. We have no idea what they really want! (

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes": All tomatoes were subject to thorough investigation, and incontrovertible evidence was presented before they were labelled "killers", so not to incur the wrath of any vegan ACLU lawyers who see this movie. (

"The Wizard of Menlo Park" -- NOTE TO CHRISTIAN SCHOOL CURRICULUM ADVISORS: This book is about an inventor named Thomas Edison, not an actual wizard. (

"Lost in Translation": For those of you who are Mapquest buffs, do not try to find Translation anywhere in the US. You will fry your brain and hard drive in frustration, and we will not be responsible. (

"The Day of The Locust" disclaimer: Unfortunately this film, based on the book by Nathanael West, does not in any way involve really cool giant locusts smashing buildings and eating peoples heads, nor does it involve really smart normal-sized locusts who take over the government and start breeding humans for their own sinister purposes. It's actually a really depressing flick about a bunch of pathetic Hollywood wannabes. It's a shame really. We had the coolest posters all set to go. You should have seen them. (

Oh, what the heck...I can't decide...these three to me are worthy of winning...I guess I will have to go and find a third calendar to give away...

"All Dogs Go To Heaven" Disclaimer: This title, as the subject therein stating "All Dogs go to Heaven" does not mean to imply that its views of God/ heaven are that in any way a statement of canine occupancy in the thereafter, or that this network disputes or denies the existence of "Heaven" as stated in the title. For that reason, we are comfortable with stating that not all, or for that matter, ANY dogs go to heaven, as far as the scientific aspects of the debate are concerned. However, we believe that in some spiritual views, that we have a responsibility to our public to say it is possible, but in no way the opinion (or not the opinion) of this network that dogs Do or DO NOT go to heaven. We would like to say whether dogs ( or other animals) go to Heaven ( or elsewhere) is PURELY in the viewers specific beliefs and their own in Bible interpretation and application. We also have a responsibility to ensure no offense is taken by the viewer, canine or otherwise. Thank you. (

"The Postman Always Rings Twice" disclaimer: The publishers of this book make no claims on the delivery habits of actual postmen. Your postman may ring only once. He may ring three times or more. He may pound impatiently on your front door. Personally, my postman just shoves the mail through the slot in my front door even when there's too much of it to avoid tearing the cover of my U.S. News and World Report. Results may differ with your postman. (

"Viva Las Vegas" disclaimer: Potential viewers please note that the title "Viva Las Vegas" wasn't meant to imply that you will witness the display or the use of any certain brand of paper towels at any time during this film. No promotional fees have been paid to us by the Kimberly-Clark Corporation. The fact that the film's scene transition editing includes wipes, that Elvis' character sometimes appears wiped, and that most people who spend a large amount of time gambling in Vegas wind up wiped out (financially), is completely coincidental. (

The prize this time around is a "Do-It-Yourself" patterns thingy by "Yard Art"...apparently titled "Santa Stop Here". Well, I didn't look inside as it's still sealed in its little plastic pouch...but they are for your make them yourself...and if you win them now, you might be done with them just in time for next Christmas. It states it's both "simple & easy"...IF you have the following items lying around: jig saw/scroll saw, screwdriver, sandpaper, plywood to fit the pattern, one or more sheets of graphite transfer paper, paint brushes, white exterior primer, permanent felt point pen, acrylic paints of your choice, black glass paint marker, and the optional varnish. What could be simpler??? Well, you'll get to find out...IF you win the Tweak this time around. (Photo to hopefully follow soon.)

Questions...Not Answers V

The Tweak this time is the fifth offering we've done...okay, we like it...a lot. What you are to do is to play our form of "Jeopardy!"...we supply the answers (below) come up with a witty, funny, strange, etc., question for it. Do one or do them other words, feel free to send as many as you want. Still confused...or never watched Jeopardy!...then look below the list for my two examples (after the list)...from a previous contest. Please remember to include the "answer" with your "question". A couple "answers" were sent in by noted below.

Jacobean & Meyers

That changes everything

Cockles and Muscles

Whorigami Animals

Oldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Matrix or Treat

As close as a razor can get

All Swell That Ends Well

Eminem Opie

The route of all evil

Paper or Plastic?

Eye Spyware

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Bruce Willis?

Cannibal's Soup

And Wine Not?

Spam In The Place Where You Live

George W. Bush's Baked Beans

Debbie Reynolds Wrap (Maxcel)

eBay of Pigs

Hold the lettuce

Channel #5

Put a sock in it

Not so living will

Curtains, not drapes

Courtney Love Handles (Maxcel)

Phantom Of The Oprah (Maxcel)



Better Latte Than Never

The customers always write

It's not got much rat in it

Here's a couple examples from a previous "Questions...Not Answers" case you needed some guidance:

With sex you get eggrolls: What's the special they offer at (PhotoLaugh's) Phat Phuc's Noodle restaurant?

Love is a many splintered thing: What did Pinocchio's date say after sex?