Tweak Of The Week CVI: Add-vertising
(Updated 1 Mar 05)

Last time around we asked you to take an actual advertising slogan and add to it. We had an overwhelming response to this contest...probably our most played one in HMO history and soooooo many were sent in it took quite a while to go thru them all and narrow it down. Due to the sheer volume of good ones I ended up picking, this will take you a while to read thru it grab yourself a comfy chair and enjoy...

Playstation 2: Live in your world, play in ours...don't get addicted, though! Mwahahahahahaha! (

Hebrew National: We answer to a higher authority...Michael Powell says we can't say "wieners" on TV anymore. (

Cingular\AT&T: Can you hear me now?...You can? Great. Now, YOU! STUPID! TELEMARKETER! NEVER! CALL! ME! AGAIN! (

Ace Hardware Stores: Ace is the place with the helpful hardware man...we specialize in your most "sensitive" plumbing needs, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more. (

Larry H. Parker, attorney-at-law: "Larry Parker got me $1.5 million...and that SOB took 90% of it." (

Clairol: Hair color so natural only her hairdresser knows for sure...Plus half the San Diego fleet. (

Peace Corps: The toughest job you'll ever love...that is after escaping some territorial, terrorist gang. (

Folgers: The best part of waking up... second only to your early morning boner. (

Capital One: What's in your wallet? With our interest rates, it won't be there much longer (

UPS: What can brown do for you?...besides screw your wife while you're at work. (

Macintosh: Think different...Mmm, sex with gardening equipment... (

Merrill Lynch: We're bullish on America. 'Cause we can't say "bullshit" on TV. (

Maxwell House Coffee: Good to the Last Drop..also applies to the work squeezed from the peasants/slaves who raise and pick the beans. (

John Deere: Nothing Runs Like a Deere-- Especially when 3 or 4 'good ol` boys' are chasing it with .30-.06 `s a-blazing. (

Rice Krispies: Snap Krackle Pop.....the sound of synthetic grains meeting partially hydrogenated oil. (

Egg Marketing Board: Go to work on an egg...I did. Now we're waiting on the pregnancy test. (

Energizer Batteries: It keeps going, and going, and's the perfect choice for desperate housewives everywhere. (

De Beers: A diamond is forever...and so are the payments on it. Two months salary my ass! (;

Maybelline: Maybe she's born with it? Maybe its Maybelline. Maybe she spent $10,000 on a boob job and a new nose. (

Radio Shack: You've got questions, we've got answers...we may not have the answers to your questions, but we still have answers. (

The US Army: Be all that you can be. But when you get arrested, fired, or flunk out of college, there's always us. (

Microsoft: Where do you want to go today...No, you can't go to LinuxCom. Where ELSE do you want to go today? (

Lays: "Betcha can't eat just one"...because on any given day two or more lays are always better than just one. (

Porsche: There is no substitute...for the money you're wasting on this compensation-mobile. (

Taco Bell: Make a run for the you can get the recipe book. That doesn't even TASTE Mexican. (

New York Times: All the news that's fit to print...and then some filler that we made up. (

Camel Cigarettes: I'd walk a mile for a I can't go 20 feet without hacking up my lungs. (

A&W Root Beer: That frosty mug sensation. I also get that when I visit the in-laws. (

White Castle: What you crave...when you're drunk at 4 in the morning and nothing else is open. (

De Beers: A diamond is forever...unlike your last 2 marriages. (;

Texaco: You can trust your car to the man who wears the star...but if that's all he's wearing, back away very slowly and be sure not to make eye contact. (

McDonald's: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun...oh, and rat turds...damn new FDA regulations! (

Dockers: One leg at a time...Are we to understand you have printed instructions on how to put them on? (

Wheaties:  The breakfast of Champions; just add milk, sugar and steroids. (

Kentucky Fried Chicken: We do chicken right...we also do each other in the break room, so it might be a good idea to wash your hands thoroughly before you eat. (

Nike: Just do it . . . and try not to think about the fact that you're paying 50 extra bucks a pair just for a "swoosh." (

Memorex: Is it live, or is it Memorex? Well, probably both, considering it's Ashlee Simpson. (

Lay's Potato Chips: Betcha can't eat just one. You weak-willed blob of congealed gluttony. (

Ford: Quality is Job 1...and when we're done perfecting the upholstery we'll get to everything else, okay! Give us a break. (

Gillette: The best a man can get...besides a keg of beer and a drunken Anna Kournikova. (

Aqua Velva Cologne: There's Something About an Aqua Velva Man...Yeah, he's too &&^%$% cheap to buy the good stuff. (

Ivory soap: 99 and 44/100 percent pure..profit margin. (

Ford: Have you driven a Ford lately? No? Oh, that's right, it's in the shop. (

Camel Cigarettes: I'd walk a mile for a camel..That's twenty miles in a pack..with all that walking, how can smoking not be healthy? (

Clairol hair coloring: Does she, or doesn't she? Who cares anyway? Check out that bodacious set of....ow! That hurt honey! (

General Foods International Coffees: Celebrate the moments of your life. At your grimey kitchen table. In your ratty bathrobe. Alone. Completely alone. (

Ford: Quality is job one. And if you believe that, you're full of job two. (

The runner-up...who will win an origami and some Rat's Asses...

Visa: It's everywhere you want to be...because somebody stole your wallet and has taken a vacation in Hawaii using your money. (

Our co-winners...'cause I just couldn't choose between these...who will win the Coffee Scoop and some more Rat's Asses...

Partnership for a drug-free America:  This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?...Yeah...are you gonna eat those eggs, man? I've got a serious case of the munchies! (

Pork: The Other White Meat. You know, like Pete Best is the Other Beatle. (

The prize this time around is a pack of those tiny metallic sprinkle confetti things that you put in Christmas cards or in gifts, or on your mantle, or under your tree...wherever you like to put them. They are from American Greetings and retail for a whole $2.00...but you know me, I got these marked down. They are in a "Christmas motif" as they have stockings, trees, and stars (okay, the photo below shows candy canes, wreathes and snowflakes, but it would take me two weeks to get the actual photo up, so I improvised...and so can you). Personally, I think you should send a couple in every single bill you have to pay throughout the year...kinda like a "you annoy me...I'll annoy you back" dealie. Just my thoughts...anyway this prize can and will be yours IF you win the Tweak this time around.

(Actual item will vary from this one shown.)

Highlights? More Like...Low Lights

Well, I thought of this Tweak a little while ago and thought it might be an interesting thing to do. We've probably all seen and read thru those "Highlights For Children" magazines where they have (or at least they used to have) the "Goofus" and "Gallant" comparisons. If you've never seen's where they would show what a "proper" child would do in a circumstance and what one that is "unruly" or "without etiquette or manners" would do in the same exact situation. So, I thought we should kick it up a notch...and bring it down a few as well. What we want you to do is go to extremes (one or the other...or both), funny extremes, off-the-wall extremes, witty extremes...but extremes nonetheless, on a situation that you come up with, and then tell us what both the "Gallant" and the "Goofus" would do...each in their "own way". I came up with a couple examples below in case you needed further prodding.


Walking your dog around the neighbourhood: Gallant -- Brings a few Ziplock baggies so they can scoop up after their pet. Goofus -- Brings a few Ziplock baggies...from their own house because their toilet hasn't been working since the pipes froze back in December.

Surfing for Internet porn on the computer: Gallant -- Always takes the time to cover the keyboard with Saran wrap..."just in case". Goofus -- Just cuts a hole in the monitor.