Tweak Of The Week CVII: Highlights? More Like...Low Lights
(Updated 29 Mar 05)
Well, sorry for the late update, but I've had other things in life to do...I'll try my best to be more conscientious on the updates in the future...again...maybe...well, if I remember and stuff.
Anyway...I do believe this Goofus/Gallant Tweak turned out rather fun...but please let me reiterate...you CAN send in as many entries as you want...in fact we'd love it if some of you (who are extremely funny...but will remain nameless here so as not to give you a bigger ego than Bucko's verbiage on the forum) sent in copious amounts of entries. Just to let you know that the reason why you see some people's names over and over again...well...some of them are prolific in their entry sending, to say the least. Of course, what still counts here is FUNNY...over quantity any day...but if you happen to be funny AND have time on your hands...well, chances are you just might be picked a lot more than if you only sent in one or two.
Watching "Beavis and Butthead" together: Gallant -- Tactfully observes that some of Goofus' behavior is disturbingly reminiscent of Beavis. Goofus -- Gleefully notes that Beavis is just like him, then kicks Gallant in the nads. (Herzog"Beavis"Von@aol.com)
Yardwork: Gallant brings gloves, a kneeling pad, bags with ties, and a broom. Goofus brings a can of lighter fluid and a match! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Super Bowl Wardrobe Malfunction of 2004: Gallant -- Covered his eyes in embarrassment and called his local affiliate to voice his concerns. Goofus -- Laughed uproariously 'til pizza and beer poured from his nose, and used a still from his TiVo to make posters which he promptly sold on eBay. (RasGold@aol.com)
Using a public restroom: Gallant -- Courtesy Flush. Goofus -- Singing your former pop hit, "I won't be your father figure" while you "do your business." (email@example.com)
During the Presidential Election: Gallant -- Made posters which encouraged Democracy. Goofus -- Made posters that shouted "SAY YES FOR BUSH!" (RasGold@aol.com)
Washing dishes: Gallant -- Hand washes all the dishes and then dries and puts them away immediately. Goofus -- Has dog lick them until no dirt is visible and leaves them in the drainer until needed. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Signaling a left turn on his bicycle. Gallant -- always signals with his left arm extended. Goofus -- always signals with his left middle finger extended. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)
Ordering a Pizza: Gallant asks for extra mushrooms at the time he calls in his order. Goofus instead buys a baggie of 'shrooms from the delivery driver. (email@example.com)
Driving Home from a Party: Gallant -- Doesn't drink any alcohol so he can drive home safely. Goofus -- Doesn't drink any alcohol...only chugs it! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Washing clothes: Gallant -- Meticulously separates darks, lights and bright whites. Goofus -- "Buys" clothes, wears then for a few days and then returns them for some new ones. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
Internet Porn: Gallant -- Purchases the best Pop-up blocker on the market. Goofus -- Purchases a year subscription to Porngalore.com in the hopes that 'something' pops-up! (RasGold@aol.com)
Attending an open casket funeral: Gallant -- "He looks so natural" Goofus -- "Sam, you don't look as good as you did two weeks ago." (email@example.com)
Not getting a mention in an HMO contest: Gallant -- Swallows his disappointment with grace and good humor. Goofus -- Creates 10 anonymous e-mail accounts dedicated to sending the foulest insults imaginable. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Voting in Florida: Gallant -- Carefully punches ballot to make sure that no hanging chad remains. Goofus -- Punches anyone named Chad found hanging around at the polling place, just to be on the safe side. (HerzogVon@aol.com)
Running for President -- Gallant: Addresses the issues intelligently, and shows us how we can work together sensibly & fairly to make our lives & country better. Goofus -- George W. Bush. Duh. (ListenBucko@yahoo.com)
Learning French: Gallant studies Voltaire and Hugo. Goofus studies Pepe Le Pew. (email@example.com)
Handling telemarketers: Gallant -- Listens to the sales pitch, then politely turns down the offer. Goofus -- Is always ready with an industrial strength air horn for any unfamiliar voice. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Dating: Gallant arrives with flowers. Goofus arrives with his laundry. (email@example.com)
Swimming in a neighbor's pool: Gallant -- Dives in carefully to keep from splashing anybody. Goofus -- Suggests to everyone there's a nice warm spot in the shallow end in case they'd like to try it out. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Eating all the cookies and potato chips: Gallant -- Admits he did it and is properly apologetic. Goofus -- Sprinkles cookie and potato chip crumbs on the wife's Chihuahua, scatters the empty bags on the floor, and then runs like hell. (email@example.com)
Gallant: Takes a bullet for the president Goofus: Gets elected president (firstname.lastname@example.org)
School Testing -- Gallant: Studies hard, and covers his paper so people can't cheat off of him. Goofus -- Beats the shit out of Gallant after school for precisely the same reasons. (ListenBucko@yahoo.com)
Our co-runners-up...who win 25 Rat's Asses and an origami...
Watching a mime: Both Goofus and Gallant will shoot the mime. (email@example.com)
Child comes home with an A+ on his spelling test: Gallant -- "Well done! I'm going to put this up on the refrigerator, and then I'm going to make you your favorite dinner tonight." Goofus -- "Jeez! Does it always have to be about you?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Gosh...it's been soooo long...I almost forgot what prize I had up (okay, so I had to look)...our co-winners who each win a bag of nifty foil Christmas confetti...and 30 Rat's Asses...
Going to a Club: Gallant orders a Coke from the bartender because he's the designated driver. Goofus finds his coke in a bathroom stall. (email@example.com)
Assembling toys for your child: Gallant -- Reads the instructions carefully and works out each step until the job is completed. Goofus -- Convinces his child the toy is a really fun puzzle, and if he solves it he gets a chance to fetch a beer for daddy. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The prize for the Tweak this time around is a little plastic shot glass. Hey...I'm not promoting alcohol in any way here...as you can use them for all sorts of things: Juice, measuring implements, tiny vase, holding thumbtacks...the list nearly goes on and on. But if you want to put alcohol in them...just make sure you are at least 21 years of age... and, of course, drink responsibly...then sign on to HMO and send in entries. How I acquired these little "gems" was that the base was letting people taste test this intensely vile coffee flavoured liqueur (hey, I really don't like coffee...so ANY coffee liqueur is going to be vile to me...let's not start any law suits) the name of which must be "Pucker". It says "Pucker" on one side of the glass so I'm assuming that's what the product's name is. On the other side it says "Mmm...Right on the Lips" - so uh...well, let's be honest, they really shoulda asked us here at HMO for a slogan...I KNOW you guys would have done much better...but I digress. This nifty little plastic "shot glass" can and will be yours IF you win the Tweak this time around.
(Photo to follow shortly.)
My new Tweak this time around centers on TV shows...so no movies this time around...but we will let you do old shows as well as current ones - just as long as they existed that's pretty much what we care about. What we want you to do - is just do a take on their name...for totally dissing the show...for a late nite monologue...for an ad campaign...for good or bad...but there has to be a play on the show's name for your entry to be an entry...and it should stick to regarding the show. Yes, you are probably going "Huh??" about now - as this is not sufficiently explaining it - so that's why I have a couple examples below that I'm sure you will then understand what I'm looking for...hopefully. Please include your show's title in quotes somewhere in your entry...so I know what show it is.
Medium: And why did we name it "Medium"? Because it's not well done.
"The Amazing Race"...for not much else than ratings.
This show pretty much proves that "Desperate Housewives" will do...and watch anything.