Tweak Of The Week CIX: A Change For The Letter - The Movie Version
(Updated 22 May 05)

I had so many entries for this contest, it took me two days to finally get it done...honestly - it was quite a lot of work...but I think it was worth it. Again, I think you guys outdid yourselves...as far as the movie topic Tweaks go. We have quite a lot more mentions than usual...and I'll have to hunt around the house for "alternate" prizes...but I did feel the extra runners-up and winners were worth it. Just to recap...you had to take an actual film title...add, change or remove ONE letter only of the title and then come up with an appropriate film plot based on that change. So, without further ado...I give you the very long list...

A Time to Kill - A Mime to Kill: A young lawyer defends a mute man accused of murdering a mimicking mime. The case seems black & white, but as word gets out suddenly no one is talking in this quiet town. Will justice find its voice or will the mute plead the 5th? Mime's the word in this thriller starring Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster. (robtone247@yahoo.com)

Pet Sematary - Vet Sematary: In this sequel, deceased veterinarians come back to life and turn sick animals into killing machines and blame it on a rabies epidemic. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

The Lady Vanishes - The Lady Danishes: A young woman mysteriously turns herself into a tempting breakfast pastry. (RasGold@aol.com)

Batman Returns - Fatman Returns: Orson Welles is exhumed, reanimated and takes on the role of Batman....most of the budget is taken up trying to find a costumer that can fit a 85 inch waist. Batmobile outfitted with 600 bhp engine to take on added load. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

The Thin Red Line - The Thin Bed Line: Can a brother and sister share a bed in a hotel room on a family trip without something sexual happening? Well, this is set in Arkansas... (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Shrek - Shriek: The hilarious story of what happened the first time Shrek and Fiona saw each other naked on their honeymoon. (tonkatalk@aol.com)

The Wild Bunch - The Mild Bunch: Aging outlaws plan a train robbery but end up staying home and playing cards. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Die Hard - Diet Hard: An aging, overweight Bruce Willis portrays himself, showing how to lose weight as a crime fighter, racing between floors of a multi-storied building. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Sold Mountain - A light sitcom about a Real-Estate Agent (Nicole Kidman), a pushy buyer (Renée Zellweger) and the man who is hesitant to sell his home (Jude Law). (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Hello Dolly - Hell Dolly: Dolly is now a withered 72, drinks, and buys cheap facial products online. To say she looks like heck is understating it! (maxcel200@aol.com)

While You Were Sleeping - While You Were Seeping: The story of an oily man who oozes his way into a sweet innocent girl's life. Typical. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Meet the Fockers - Meet the Dockers: The Jewish family Dockers meet their grandparents...the Levis, We find out that the Levis and the Dockers have a lot in common. It's all in their family jeans. (maxcel200@aol.com)

From Justin To Kelly - From Justin To R. Kelly: This rap oriented sequel just barely edges out the original, as being the worst movie ever made. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

When Harry Met Sally: When Harry Met Wally: In this mystery, we finally find Waldo in a gay bar. (skibip@aol.com)

Rollercoaster - Rollercaster: A low-budget thriller involving a terrorist plot in a large office building, where our hero (Bruce Willis) must race against time to remove bombs from underneath office chairs. (RasGold@aol.com)

Fahrenheit 9/11 - Fahrenheit 7/11: A documentary about food safety at convenience stores, and whether they keep hot dogs, nacho cheese, and such at high enough holding temperatures, and the conspiracy to lengthen holding times well beyond 24 hours. (stan@squidworks.com)

X-Men - Y-Men: A different group of mutants whose powers weren't cool enough to get them in to Professor Xavier's school. They spend most of the time being mocked and beaten by humans and cool mutants alike, causing them to question the point of their existence. (changetion@gmail.com)

Starsky & Hutch - Starsky and Hunch: Things get a little hectic when Starsky drops his partner and begins solving crimes purely on his intuition. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

War of the Roses - War of the Noses: Karl Malden and Barbra Streisand play father--daughter housemates who become embroiled over the use of American Express credit cards. Malden murders her in the end and does 'leave home without her'. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

A Simple Plan - A Simple Plane: One man's quest to build a gigantic, balsa wood, propeller-driven airplane -- if only he can find a rubber band big enough. (fishjean@sonic.net)

Dead Poet's Society - Lead Poet's Society: Robin Williams cannot save this story of a group of versifiers who try to outdo each other with weightier, duller poems. (skibip@aol.com)

Valley of the Dolls - Alley of the Dolls: Horror story that takes place in a doll shop on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood, California. A doll comes alive and devours all the other doll in the store...to realize her dream of becoming a famous fat actress. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Sleeper - Bleeper: Woody Allen's baudy tale of the future. Most scenes were blacked out by the censors. (rod.renner@juno.com)

Terms of Endearment - Perms of Endearment: A movie with pathos, humor, and agonizing challenges where and a mother and daughter face the ups and downs of good and bad hair days: frizzies, split ends, and unwanted curling. Their relationship, almost ruined by their obsession over each other's hair, comes endearingly together at the end when they find a 'permanent' solution. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Apocalypse Now - Apocalypso Now: Special Forces soldier takes a banana boat up river to tell a deranged colonel to lower his music. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

The Best Years of Our Lives - The Best Years of Our Wives: A bunch of disgruntled WWII vets return to civilian life, only to learn that their wives have been having a high old time while they were away. They spend the entire movie in a bar, grousing about the situation. Oscar winner Harold Russell picks up the tab...with great difficulty. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Finding Nemo - Finding Nomo: Something is happening to Major League pitching staffs. First Hideo Nomo from Tampa Bay "goes missing." And the Yankee closer, Mariano "Mo" Rivera, was just there, but now --"NO MO!" (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

Dog Day Afternoon - Fog Day Afternoon: Someone said there's a bank robbery going on, but I can't see a thing through this thick gray mist. I can hear some guy shouting "Attica! Attica!" I think he's looking for his poodle. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

Billy Budd - Billy Fudd: The son of a famous cartoon character signs on to a British merchant ship where he is mercilessly flogged and eventually executed for persistently mispronouncing "wudder, wopes and wigging". Tewence Stamp and Wobert Wyan star. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

The Maltese Falcon - The Maltese Falco: In this classic film noir, Sam Spade judges a competition where thousands of hopefuls each sing "Rock Me Amadeus". The entrant from Malta tries to blackmail Sam, but the detective calls his voice "the stuff that nightmares are made of" and the guy is voted off. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster - Godzilla vs. the Smug Monster: The Big Green Guy finally snaps when he's pitted against an environmentally sensitive beast who protests against the smoke, flame and other harmful emissions exiting the legendary creature's mouth. No sequels, as the pummeled Smug Monster limps back to California, never to return. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Meet Me In St. Louis - Meat Me In St. Louis: This is an XXX rated movie. The story is about a girl named Rita Wayward. Her father, Hugh Wayward died and willed all his millions to her. But she has to have sex in ten different cities whose name begins with San Or St. But each man has to be named Hugh. This has to be done in (sixxx) months. The trials and tribulations of finding the last Hugh is filled with laughter, compromises and goes down to the last minute of completion. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

Mr. Smith goes to Washington - Mr. Sith goes to Washington: Lesser known Star Wars episode has Darth Vader using the Force to have his way with Congress. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

The Blue Lagoon - The Glue Lagoon: Two teens in rag-tag outfits frolic in a Garden of Eden -like Lagoon. Fortunately for the censors the lagoon is filled with liquid glue that is able to assure that fig leaves, loin cloths and skimpy outerwear remain permanently attached to the bodies of the young stars. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Footloose - Mootloose: The debate team's moot court exercise is scandalized when Kevin Bacon presents an interpretive dance performance of tort reform. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

Last Tango in Paris - Last Mango in Paris: Upon learning of the death of his favorite monkey, a grief stricken Marlon Brando goes on an eating binge, attempting to devour the contents of every fruit stand in the City of Light. The quest ends when an overly buttered tropical delight escapes his greasy grasp. (Herzogvon@aol.com)

Goldinger - Coldfinger: James Bondex, a secret government healing agent and attache is assigned a case to restore the cold severed finger found in bowl of Wendy's chili to the rightful owner. The case is solved and he moves on to his next case: trying to find the owner of the Octopussy found in some Salsa at Taco Bell. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Spartacus - Smartacus: Ken Jennings stars as a gladiator who leads a revolt during the reign of Emperor Alexus Trebekus. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Catch Me If You Can - Watch Me If you Can: All of Leonardo DiCaprio's film appearances are strung together in this marathon of bad acting. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Night of the Living Dead - Night of the Loving Dead: 1960's horror gets a 'romantic' twist in this fun-loving romp through a secluded farm house. It's a Zomborgie! (RasGold@aol.com)

Apocalypse Now - Apocalypse Dow: A story of horror and disaster unparalleled in scope and magnitude. A story of spilled guts and hellish agony. A story of those riding high only to be wiped out, fearing the end of the world was near. Yes, Apocalypse Dow...the story of the stock market crash of 1929. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Our three runners-up who each get an origami and 25 Rat's Asses:

The Last Temptation of Christ - The Last Temptation of Christo: An artist's Herculean attempt to wrap a big, yellow ribbon around the entire planet Earth along the equator. (fishjean@sonic.net)

Once Upon A Time In Mexico - Once Upon A Mime In Mexico: Columbia pictures, Dimension Films and the National Institute for Deafness and Other Communications Disorders (NIDCD) are proud to bring you the Omaha Nebraska Mime Troupe's cinematic rendition of Robert Rodriguez's "Once Upon A Time In Mexico". Finger-gun toting, air-guitar playing hero "El Mudo" is back in town. Johnny Depp guest stars as a mime-killing gun for hire (oddly enough the only part critically acclaimed) in Hollywood's epic return to silent movies. Proceeds go to REVAMP, or Resist Egregious Violence Against Mime Performers. (strollo5@aol.com)

Last Action Hero - Nast Action Hero: A little boy is thumbing through a book of early American political cartoons by Thomas Nast when one of the characters pops to life and asks the boy if he wants to join him in an adventure filled with guns and chases and spies and villains. The boy thinks for a moment, then slams the book shut and sells it on eBay for a mint. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

And our two winners...who will have to battle it out to receive the one copy of the Walmart Cinco de Mayo recipe book I have...hell...I'm sure I can find SOMETHING to give the other...and each also get 30 Rat's Asses:

M*A*S*H - C*A*S*H: A movie producer figures out how he can make millions by franchising his movie into a TV series that lasts five times as long as the subject war. (wedrixe@netscape.net)

Fight Club: Flight Club. The first rule of Flight club is you don't talk about Flight club, you just run away like the pansy you are. (threetreeshill@yahoo.com)




Our prize this time around is from Space Camp....nah...just kidding. I actually didn't scrounge around for anything...THAT'S how bad my brain was affected! It is from the Maxwell Air Force Base Exchange...a comic book they were giving out...oh, like you thought I'd actually BUY something to give away....called "The New Avengers guest starring the Fantastic Four". This will probably be some kind of collector's item in the year 2050 as it is a special one where "Marvel Salutes the Real Heroes, the Men and Women of the U.S. Military" and is not for resale. It is chock-full of advertising from the AAFES BX/PX people and even one from Geico...which ties in nicely with our new Tweak contest. This spiffarific comic book will be yours IF you win the Tweak this time around.


Advertise...meant Not To Be Seen Or Heard

The Tweak this time around is pretty straightforward and simple...I thought of it when my daugther was spreading out one of the sleeping bags we took to Space Camp....ugh...I am shuddering now...anyway, it dawned on me I've never seen an advertisement on TV for sleeping bags. Uh...like why not? So that got me thinking...yes, it DOES happen once in a while...and thus was born this contest. We want you to come up with a witty, off-the-wall, or just plain bad ...or extremely good...hell, we don't care which...advertising slogan, tagline, etc., for a product you've never heard advertising for. Now I realize that these ARE probably advertised somewhere...speciality magazines...or the like...BUT they are not commonly advertised on TV. Face it...when was the last time you ever heard of clothespins being advertised? I'm sure they probably do in some "Clotheswashing Journal Monthly" periodical...but most of us have never seen it. These are the products I'm thinking of. I've listed some below for you...along with my examples for a couple that you can use as well. Feel free to come up with your own product and slogan - with or without the brand name...but if you give us a brand name, just be sure the product/brand name exists and you didn't make it up.

Examples:

"Sears" Hillary Cabin Tent: Pitching a tent has never been this fun before!

"Bicycle" Playing Cards: Yeah...when was the last time you saw a kid on a bike...let alone a card in his spokes.

Dice

"Texas Instruments" Calculator

Alarm Clock

Binoculars

Bird Seed

Shoe Laces

"Mead" Composition Notebooks

Toxic Waste Barrels

Ice

Speedos

Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary

Turkey Baster

"Fold'ems" Origami Paper

Pepper

Squeegee

"Sugar In The Raw" Brand Sugar

Bone Meal

"Harmony" Tweaker Nose Plugs

"Cascadian Farms" Brand Edamame (soybeans)

"La Tempesta" Brand Chocolate Madacamia Chunk Biscotti

Yardsticks

"Black & Decker" Hot Glue Gun

Curling (the sport) Brushes

Clothespins