Tweak Of The Week CX: Advertise...meant Not To Be Seen Or Heard
(Updated 18 Jun 05)

Last Tweak Of The Week we asked you to come up with a advertising catchphrase, etc., for products that you rarely, if ever, see advertised (at least not in the mainstream). I gave a list of ones you could choose from...or you could use your own. I'll be honest, if I was a business owner for these products, I'd be contacting a few of you right now to get the rights to use your some really were quite good.

"Sugar In The Raw" Brand Sugar: We're sweet, natural and unrefined: something like Marie Osmond on a drunken bender. (

Bone Meal: Yes, its exactly what is sounds like it is. Isn't it time you had a little honesty in your life. (

LED Portable Message Signs: Everyone needs one of these battery operated reminder signs. They can be used anywhere, in the car, any room in the house. Car, "Don't Forget" (The list is endless) Bath Room "Put The Seat Down") We are sure husbands/or wives will find many other imaginative uses. For instance. "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

"Harmony" Tweaker Nose Plugs: Utility's The Word! For that unwashed date, the cable news network and...that pesky summer, Chili eating marathon where our product has been deemed MANDATORY. (

Boston School Pro Electric Sharpener: "Well, folks: where else can you find a machine that accepts your utensil after you make it long and hard, brings it to a point, and emits a purring sound when it's done, so you can reproduce concepts later? On sale now at Lakeshore Learning Centers, which was founded by Larry Milliken, who screwed MILLIONS!" (

Pup Tents: Because your tired dogs deserve a home away from home. (

Carapelli Olive Oil: Still another "virgin" you won't see on Fox. (

Blank CD's: Eminem, Metaillica, Korn... You don't have to pay to listen to any of these bands in your car stereo. That is unless you really want to. But whose kidding who here. You don't want to. (

Bookmarks: "Can't recall your place in that book you said you would start reading but forgot about or just put off out of pure laziness for a month? Have no fear..." (

"Cascadian Farms" Brand Edamame (soybeans): You love us already you just don't know it. We put the mystery in mystery meat! (

Tom's Toxic Waste Barrels: Guaranteed 70 percent leak-proof. (

Shoe Laces: Great for keeping that pesky busted car door shut! A wonder as a cat toy! And, when life really gets you down, perfect for hanging yourself in a jail cell! There are a million-and-one uses! (

Texas Instruments Calculator: "School Legal Gameboy". (

Ice: Don't lose your cool, buy ice today! (

Alarm Clock: Because you NEED one, not because you WANT one. (

Binoculars: Be a Peeping Tom safely under cover of Bird watching or Astronomy. (

"Mardi Gras" Parade Beads: No, they're not really safe to use as a sex toy, but you didn't hear that from us! (

Turkey Baster: Best damn squirt guns made. (

Pepper: Not just something to sneeze at.."Here's lookin 'Achoo', Babe." (

Paint Brushes: Life is not a kindergarten. You can't finger paint forever. (

The Big-Bang Canon: Celebrate today's pointless wars of liberation while enjoying a "Blast from the Past". (

Clothespins: They're more than just reindeer crafts and nipple clamps... (

Exacto Knives: Good enough for Hannibal Lecter, good enough for YOU! (

Shoe Laces: In case you feel like tying one on, once in a while. (

Eyebrow Tweezers: Go pluck yourself! (

Alarm Clock: When you're lonely..and need something to wake up to. (

Bedpans: When you have to "move" and you can't move, don't you want the best seat in the house? (

"General Electric" Alarm Clocks: Our clocks are creating quite a buzz. (

Bird Seed: Give your son a chance to practice with the new BB Gun you got him for Christmas. Scatter a little seed in the backyard and he'll have targets galore. Finches, Sparrows, Robins, Squirrels--nothing will be safe. Bird Seed: It turns boys into men. (

Particle Board: Sure, it's cheap crap that falls apart, but you keep buying it, so we'll keep making it. (

Bone Meal: Make your son's idiot friends chuckle by announcing that you have to go out for a little "Bone Meal" for the vegetable garden. What's the use of growing "long", "firm", "zucchini" without a little "bone meal" to go with it, etc... It's a million laughs! (

Fuses for the Electrical Panel: If you're going to blow one, blow ours! (

"Asham" Curling Brushes: Available everywhere...we're only a stone's throw away. (

Pepper Spray: Another instance where assault and pepper go together. (

Binoculars: Become more familiar with your neighbors. (

Our two runners-up...who win origamis and 25 Rat's Asses...

"Kaytee" Bird Seed: Our bird seed really fits the bill! (

Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary: For that defining moment. (

This was, what the heck...three winners this time around, who each get a spiffy AAFES comic book and 30 Rat's Asses...

Sports Cup: The strongest cup ever made! Sometimes you need to cover more than just your @SS! (

Shoe Polish: Life sucks. You hang your head in depression. Your shoes ought to be nice to look at. (

Clothespins: These days we're the only thing you can safely go on line with. (

Well, who woulda thought? Some of you might recall that I found one of those "car window" American flags on the side of the road last year...well, I up and done it again. Actually, I found this one quite some time ago, but figured I would save it for an appropriate holiday...and that holiday is again fast approaching: The Fourth of July. Yes, it will be here sooner than I can probably find a third car window American flag...but ya never know. Anyway, the dimensions on the flag itself is about 14" x 11 1/2"...and again, same as last time, in very good, almost like new condition. This flag can be yours (not guaranteed to make it there by THIS 4th of July...but probably by next) IF you are this Tweak's winner.  (This is not the actual item...but it looks pretty much exactly like this.)

Thrills, Grills...and Alcohol Spills

The Tweak this time around is very timely. It's summer here in a couple days and that brings to mind a few home from school driving you crazy, mosquitoes biting the hell out of you EVERY friggin time you go outside, trying to remain cool, and grilling out. I don't know if you've seen them, but there have been these Weber Grill commercials on TV lately asking for people just like us to send our letters retelling experiences we've had with their grills...and then maybe they'd use them in a commercial. So, this got me thinking...always thinking, I am. We are smart enough, we are cynical enough...and by God, at least three of us are funny enough to come up with some really good embellished "scenarios" for our Weber grill escapades we've had...or at least ones we could make up and claim we had. Now, chances are NONE of these are going to get picked by the Weber people...and that's pretty much what we want to we're the ones doing the picking here anyway. So send forth your grill experiences from Hell...your hilarious grill antics...or just anything you can make up that is off-the-wall enough to seem remotely possible in this lifetime. Just don't forget, it has to be about your Weber Grill experience (now I didn't specify actual grilling here...but it can be grilling if you want)...not just some funny outdoorsy happenstance. I have two examples I came up with below that I'm sure they won't be filming any time case you needed some guidance. Just one last thing I ask...please don't make them overly long...a couple sentences at the most should do it.


I've had my Weber grill for the last 30 years - never bought a new one...then the other week I took it out to grill for Memorial Day and some bastard came along and stole IT and the steaks...dammit...

Last Halloween my two-year-old kid went as WeberMan! - He was so cute but he kept complaining the costume was heavy. Pussy.