Tweak Of The Week CXI: Thrills, Grills...and Alcohol Spills
(Updated 7 Jul 05)

Last time around we tasked you to write a letter to the Weber Grill people...that, well, would never be turned into one of their commercials...and I believe you guys did just that...

Became a Weber owner in the summer of '94. I ruined $150 in steaks on my first try and my wife made me put it in the garage, where it has successfully hidden my weed stash for 11 years. Thank you Weber! (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

I remember my first experience with a Weber grill, it made the best damn steaks I ever ate, they were so juicy and tender. My family and I really enjoyed them,so much so were thinking of getting our own grill and steaks instead of swiping them from our neighbors. (saxonraerae7@aol.com)

Used my Weber Grill to cook the chicken on the beer can recipe. After 5 beers I put the last one in the chicken and 'forgot' to open it. Though the grill contained the damage, it hasn't smelled the same since. (hash1029@netzero.net)

I want to tell you, you guys really ought to redesign the housings for your grills! Our beloved family dog, Pouches, got caught in the rain in our backyard one night and, not having a real doghouse to go for refuge while we were out, crawled into a deep recess in your model 1132-i Picnicmaster to get dry. The next day, it was sunny and a nice 75 degrees...perfect grilling weather! To make a long story short, we barbecued Pouches unknowingly, and now, come Memorial Day and the 4th, we can't get rid of our Vietnamese and Korean neighbors! DAMN you, Weber!! (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

You know that emblem on the front of those round, black, charcoal grills? Well, don't bend over in front of one with a thong on! I now have a permanent "Weber brand"! (sp723920@aol.com)

Screw the stupid things. I cut my mother-in-law into pieces and tried to cook her, but the damn grill about exploded with grease fires. THEN someone called the Fire Department, and apparently there's some dumb law against it all. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

I buy Webers by the hundreds and have made a fortune with the grill itself on eBay passing it off as a rare antique: the front end of a 1959 Edsel. (maxcel200@aol.com)

I am only 10 yrs old so my dad wont let me cook with our Weber grill but it melts stuff really good .I like to put my Wrestling action figures on it and pretend they are having a flaming cage match. (flynnkj19@aol.com)

Bless you Weber! Last holiday season we had a serous mice problem in our home. So me and the Mrs. decided to buy one of your model #757001, 397 sq. inch freestanding charcoal grills. Well, that really did the trick! They're gone! Let me tell you…while we were roasting chestnuts on an open fire and Jack Frost was nipping our nose; we were catching and charbroiling those little suckers on our Weber grill. We don't know how to thank you enough. But we're offering this simple phrase, and though it’s been said, many times, many ways...merry crisp-mouse to you! (maxcel200@aol.com) One day we will have a Tweak pun contest...that's the day I resign. ;)

When I cook I like to use lots of lighter fluid. I've burned down 4 houses but I'm still on my first Weber Grill. (rampage1984@msn.com)

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) -- A Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days... all on a Weber Grill! (murdoctor@aol.com) Ah...the HMO archives...good for something. ;)

I just want to write to tell you that due to the carbon build-up on your model 780-A's grille work, my mother-in-law contracted cancer of the esophagus! Keep up the good work, Weber! (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

Electrolysis ?? Waxing ?? HAH--Lighter fluid, matches , & my Weber--Haven't had to shave in 7 years !! (jdcoops3@aol.com)

My wife had always dreamed of sex in a sauna, so for our 5th anniversary I had the wonderful idea of setting up the wonderful Weber grill in our 4 person pup tent, turning it on low and tossing wet towels on it. BOY that was the most intense hottest sex we ever had. After the third time, the tent burst into flames and parts are still burnt into my flesh but that's not your fault. Keep making those great products. I love you guys. (gromitopia@yahoo.com)

I never owned a Weber Grill, but my neighbor did, despite our condo regulations prohibiting them. Got a nice insurance check, though. (stan@squidworks.com)

"Ahnold" burnt himself on his Weber Grill. He now, officially, is a grilly man. (tphyll@aol.com)

I don't have a Weber grill and I'm not going to as long as there are animals to chase down and eat raw. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

I like my Weber grill, but I'm a vegetarian and it's a challenge to use it. The peas keeping slipping down in the grate and the falafel comes out fal-AWFUL! (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

I love my Weberman, but, never pour gasoline directly from the can onto the Weberman. First off, gas is rather expensive these days and skin grafts, as it turns out, are slightly more expensive then gasoline. Yet, it was one hell of a fire and cooked them dogs in no time! Your's truly, a slightly disfigured man with no facial hair. (davidgotribe@aol.com)

My son told his teacher that his homework had burned up in the grill. She didn't believe him until he told her it was a Weber! (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

When I fire up my Weber it really chugs out the smoke, and if the wind is just right I can really screw up my neighbor's cocktail party. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

The runner-up...who is still inspiring me...

I use my husband's Weber as birth control device. I wait until the thing is good and hot and then a quick little nudge from behind and I don't have to have sex with him for a couple of weeks. Whoopee! Thanks Weber! (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

The winner...who not only wins some Rat's Asses and the car window American flag...but also proves there's more than one use for that little air vent doohickey on top...

Dear Weber - I just wanted to let you know that you can't hear a lobster scream when the lid is closed. Thanks! (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)




Our prize this week is pretty crappy...but in keeping with this Tweak contest's motif...you could also say it stinks. But never fear, it has never been opened and it has never been in my bathroom...but it can be in YOUR bathroom if you win this round's Tweak. Now I know you are just at the edge of your seat with anticipation...it's a Charmin toilet tissue extender adapter which, according to the package, "allows Charmin Mega Rolls to fit most standard holders"...which apparently is a big doo-doo...er...ta-do...in the toilet paper race. This is how the Charmin board room conversation went..."Bigger is better...why not make one HUGE roll about the size of a human head? You know how much of a chore it is to change the toilet paper roll...this way, they won't have to change it for weeks...months even...depending on...uh you know. Oh, my...but it won't fit on the rolling thingy with all the air and snuggly softness we've injected into it...what do we do? Well, we pay the company that figures out ways to get dumb-ass ideas like this $5 million to think of a solution. Okay...let's!" And that's how the Mega Roll Extender was born...more or less. Regardless - this is the prize this time around and it can be yours IF you win this Tweak. (Photo to follow shortly.)


Sweet Stench of Success

This Tweak idea was originally something said on the forum by watch4whales...I suggested they send it in as a Tweak idea instead. See, when you are THE forum dude, you can make all kinds of "executive" decisions like that...I wield such power. Anyway, they acquiesced, and we have this "stinking" Tweak this time around...and they also get some Rat's Asses and an origami of their choice. What we want you to do, is to come up with a celebrity...we don't care if they are alive or dead...or even made up (you know, like Tinkerbell...not made up by you)...as long as they maintain some celebrity status...and then do up a fragrance name for them...AND a slogan. Yes, we're not going to let you off that easy...both the name and the slogan...and don't forget the celebrity...so please remember this. Usually I look at entries on the day I pick them, so their "initial funny" is intact...chances are if you missed half the requirement, you won't be able to return the entry to me in time for it to be considered...well, unless you are like me, and spend every waking minute online. Lastly, as usual...we are looking for witty, off-the-wall, and, of course, hopefully funny...entries. I came up with just two examples below...in case you needed a little guidance.

Examples:

Life Stinks: The 'to die for' fragrance by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Stinking Rich: That's Hot...to trot! A perfume by Paris Hilton