Tweak Of The Week CXV: UnXplained Phenomena
(Updated 16 Nov 05)

Last time around...all those days ago...we tasked you with taking an unexplained creature and tweaking the name a tad...come up with a whole new "scary" thing they do. As I reread my instructions, I see where it might have been misinterpreted as I also used the word "phenomena" there's some leeway in the entries I picked. Plus there are a couple that are up for debate...but I liked them enough to include them. I really enjoyed quite a few of these...I hope you do, too.

Bigfoot - Bigfootnote: (Also known as Ibideous and Opciteous) No matter how big and bold Bigfootnote gets, nobody seems to pay him attention. And that's the bottom line! (

Dracula - Dragula: Vampire super modified race car driver, sucks blood from other drivers making them too weak to push down the pedal. (

Sasquatch - Sassquatter: A truly foul-mouthed individual that menaces the poorer parts of any town he finds himself in, hurling particularly loud epithets at anybody who tries to remove him from any abandoned house he decides to transiently reside in. Was a particular problem after he discovered Camden, New Jersey. (

Bermuda Triangle - Bermuda Shorts Triangle: Three sided area roughly connecting Las Vegas, Los Angeles, and San Diego where Midwesterners and New Englanders are inexplicably compelled to wear goofy oversized shorts throughout their entire vacation. (

Tasmanian Devil - Tasmanian Handsome Devil: Yes, turned out it was Errol Flynn all along. Those screaming sounds came as a result of discovering that he would be co-starring with Ronald Reagan in "Santa Fe Trail". (

The Philadelphia Experiment - The Philadelphia Cheesesteak Experiment: Government scientists develop a way to teleport delicious sandwiches, usually around lunch time. (

Frankenstein's Monster - Frankenstein's Mobster: Tired of not being able to collect on gambling debts owed to him by fellow Mad Scientists, Dr. Frankenstein sewed together parts from various dead goons around town to create the ultimate goon. Animated by electricity, raised on mobster movies, and fed nothing but pasta, this critter will break your legs so it is suggested that you pay up. (

Cthulhu - Cthulhu Ferrigno: This powerful god was once highly revered by mankind, particularly in the late 70's and early 80's, but now lays dormant occasionally waking to sell his autograph at comic book and sci-fi conventions for $20 a piece. (

Big Foot - Big Dick: "He exists I tell ya. He really exists" says a wheelchair bound Buffy Finkelstein of Trenton, New Jersey. "I may never walk again." Two hookers from Hoboken, who wished to remain antonymous, shared similar experiences. "Oh it was horrific. We still haven' know...snapped back into place. Our careers are finished." And there you have it ladies and gentlemen; three testimonials to a truly unexplained phenomenon. (

The Devil's Triangle - The Neville's Triangle: The Neville Brother's fan base is disappearing and no one knows why. (

Yeti - Not Ready Yeti: The wife of the Yeti, never being ready to go out, this is why only one has been seen. (

Nosferatu - Nosferatutu: His appearance immediately disarms his victims. Then a glissade, an arabesque, and it's all over (

The Mummy - The Mumy: A creature that reaches across time, just like the Egyptian legends. Except in this case, it's a lame-ass actor who looks, sounds, and has all the compelling intensity of that damn kid on "Lost in Space." He will lurk in the guise of a cool alien on "Babylon 5," and can make people shriek. Shriek with laughter at the idea that he REALLY had the hots for DeLenn. Bruce Boxleitner, maybe. (

The Under Your Bed monster - The Under Your Bed-head monster: He creeps out in the night, and does strange things that you can't trace, but you know he's been there, because you have a bad hair day no matter what you do. (

Incubus - Drinkubus: Demon that defiles very ugly women, usually right after closing time. (

Frankenstein's Monster - Frank, Ben Stein's Monster: Actor/Comedian/Game-show host creates a horrible creature that he names Frank. It looks perfectly harmless, but if it captures you, it forces you to watch "Ferris Beuller's Day Off" over and over and play trivia games for money while it constantly drones on and on in a monotone voice. (

Faith Healing - Faith Hill Healing: I'm not sure of the specifics of the process, but given the chance, I'm volunteering to help. (

Frankenstein - Franklinstein: Small goofy turtle made up of road kill that walks the night helping kids learn to spell. (

Cerberus- Cher-berus: Guarding the gates of hell, Cher-berus needs THREE face lifts every year. (

The Jersey Devil - The Jersey Deviled Egg: An egg, left alone and forlorn after a company picnic in 1989, mutated into a creature that resembles Humpty-Dumpty due to constant exposure to the industrial wastes of north Jersey, around Paterson/Jersey City/Edison. (

The Headless Horseman - The Legless Horseman: Scary only for his blood-curdling scream, which happens every time since he just falls off the horse. And, ironically, he lands on his head. (

The Loch Ness Monster - The Goldilock Ness Monster: Four finned diamond shaped creature with blonde hair known to break into bears dens and sleep in their beds, break their chairs and eat their porridge. (

Our two runners-up...who win origamis and 30 Rat's Asses...

Mothman - Mothballman: Actually the neatest, cleanest and now most likeable phenomena. Especially since he finally decided to come out of the closet! (

Poltergeists - Gallup Poltergeists: These annoying apparitions hound people incessantly to complete political surveys and questionnaires, then try to scare everyone with the statistical results. (

The co-winners...who will have to battle it out for that horrid plastic piggy bank without an "emptying" hole...and 50 Rat's Asses each...

Werewolf - Herethereandeverywerewolf: Mop-headed guy from Liverpool who turns into a wolfman when he hears a Beatles song. (

The Yeti: The "AreWeThereYeti?": Has been spotted riding around in minivans and attacking hapless parents... (

The following is another one of those "hey, I actually had more of these...might as well use the old write up for it" prizes. So here goes: I figured I might as well take advantage of the upcoming Christmas holiday to give away some nifty holiday stuff that I bought for considerably less at some "After Christmas Sale" than shipping is going to cost me to mail it to the winner. But that's not the point...the point is what is up for grabs this time around...and that something is a 4-piece set of 10"x14" Reusable Sticky Stencils from a company I never heard of, Goodmark USA, Inc...that is based out of the most Christmassy part of the country (NOT)...Boca Raton, Florida. Anyway, it says you can put it on a mirror or window, spray the snow (that's not provided) on it...then remove, wipe, and put it back where it came from...for countless years more same enjoyment (well, I added that last part). I know you are all just dying to know which four holiday-themed stencils there are, and I'm just aching to tell you: I would figure it would be a Star of Bethlehem (which looks kinda like a comet), reindeer prancing/posing in an arched window (which is the archetypical...get it...ha ha...nevermind...Christmas happening I've never witnessed anywhere before), Santa and his two, or four (depending on if you believe two reindeer could possibly be completely in step with the other two) reindeer pulling him and the sleigh, and lastly...a Christmas tree. This wonderful prize can be yours...only if you win this Tweak...and maybe, with any luck, I'll even make a whole-hearted effort to mail this to you in time for the holiday. (Photo to follow shortly.)

Less Than Average Joe

Well, I was talking to my friend the other day about an article that he had read in the LA Times...written by a writer, who, how shall I say nicely....sucked? They had written the story in sentences...or as I referred to more than five words long. It was quite annoying...having to read five-word sentences comprised of words no more than, say, two-syllables long. I remarked to my friend...could you imagine all the great works of literature being written in such a format? So, it got me thinking: "I bet I could do a Tweak about just THIS!" And that brings us to here. What I want you to do is to take a passage from a well-known literary work...and dumb it down...way that any "less than average Joe" could understand it... absolutely NO dictionary...or more than 12 brain cells needed to understand what they are saying. Of course, feel free to embellish it in the worst way possible...but let us know which book and author you are I'm no Sherlock Holmes here. Oh...and let's not send in a novel...just a few lines at the most. I came up with some examples below (the first, obviously inspired by the LA Times article) which, at the time...around 2:46 a.m....were pretty amusing. Now? I'm not so sure, but I'm not thinking of any others at 4:49 a.m. either.


A Tale Of Two Cities by Charles Dickens: It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the LA Times.

Moby-Dick by Herman Melville: Call me Ishmael. That's my name. I'm a guy. I like to fish.

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare: "It's a rose." "By any other name?" "No, it's just a rose."