Tweak Of The Week CXVI: Less Than Average Joe
(Updated 14 Dec 05)

Last time around we wanted you to take a passage from a famous literary work and dumb it make it understandable to everyone who was reading it. Then to confuse you even more...I threw in the words "embellish it". Now, I realize my examples opened up a few doors as some of you rather did a synopsis of the whole text, a book report if you will...well, that wasn't my objective...but a couple were just too funny to leave out. I must confess...this was THE most difficult Tweak ever to I realized AFTER I started reading these. To sum it up...and in keeping with this contest's premise..."ya gots ta know a bunch o'stuff they keep in them books if ya plan to pick 'em right". Consequently, and luckily, I know someone who came to my aid...who knows much, much more about literature than I do the anatomy of a crustacean. If you are still reading this far...just nod and say "hmmmm"...and take my word for it. Some of you submitted the original passage along with your changed version...which I left intact. Anyway, it is my proud pleasure to present to you our most pretentious far.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen: "It is a truth universally acknowledged... that chicks want rich dudes." (

William Shakespeare - Othello: ("Who steals my purse steals trash.") "Who steals my purse steals trash; I'm not sure whether to clean it out or just toss it and buy a new one." (

Dante's Inferno: Oops! Damned! (

Hamlet by William Shakespeare: "Oh Mutha! Poor Yorick!...We wuz best buds in the hood!" (

Huckleberry Fin by Mark Twain: Read Tom Sawyer. Most of it is true. Most people lie. (

Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger: Seventeen year old prep goes to New York City. Has mid-life crisis early. (

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens: Mean old man. Makes his clerk work late on Chrismas Eve. Drinks some wine bad wine. Sleeps, has nightmares, wakes up a still drunk Becomes an easy mark for all his relataives on Christmas/ (

Hamlet by William Shakespeare: "My Dad died. My Mom schtupped my uncle. I'm really down, Man. Bummer!" (

Paul Clifford by Edward Bulwer-Lytton: It was a dark and stormy night. The game was on. Let her take out the garbage. (

The Gettysburg Address by Abraham Lincoln: A few years ago. Some guys made this country. They said, "Hey! We're all the same." I say, "Can't we all just get along?" (

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - The White Company: ("By the black rood of Waltham!" he roared, "if any knave among you lays a finger-end upon the edge of my gown, I will crush his skull like a filbert!") "Dammit, you idiots! I'm straight. I wear this dress only for comfort." (

The Shining by Stephen King: We should have stayed at the Holiday Inn. (

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens: "It's a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done. I'm about to willingly get my head chopped off so another guy can be with the girl I love. Am I the loser of the century, or what?" (

The Bible: Genesis: First God created Heaven and Earth. Then he made men and women. They ate an apple. It rained hard. It went downhill from there. Exodus: Building pyramids is no fun. They got the heck out of Dodge. If you don't ask directions, it can take 40 years to get where you're going. Leviticus: If you ask God, there's gonna be a lot of rules. Better not to ask. Numbers: Please, get me some No-Doz. Deuteronomy: The choice is yours; don't screw it up. (

Paul Clifford by Edward Bulwer-Lytton: ("It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the house-tops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.) The weather was normal in London that evening. (

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald: ("In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.") "I was a dude. Had a 'tude. Old man spoke. Still processing." (

Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe: I usetah know this girl. Her name was Ann. She died. I didn't. Sometimes I go over to her tomb and sleep there. Weird, huh? (

The Bible by God: Well, what d'you know? We did come with a handbook afterall. (

Dr Seuss - Green eggs and Ham: This guy does this lame rap about some geek who cooks this wack food. The geek wont let him alone, its funny dude. But, its a lot of words so dont try to read it all at one time. (

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare: "No, no, I'm not looking for Romeo, I'm just thinking about his damn last name. I finally find a guy who makes me hot, and he would have to be a Montague." (

The runner-up...who wins an origami creation of their choice and 30 Rat's Asses...

Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell: "Oh Rhett, where will I go? What will I do? How can I get you to come back here and bone me so I won't lose all of your carpetbagger money?" (

The co-winners...that will have to battle it out for those window stencils as I think I only have one (so first one to reply back takes it...second one gets something else lying around here)...and nearly more importantly, 50 Rat's Asses each...

The Tell-Tale Heart - Edgar Allan Poe: This dumb Emo guy kills a bug-eyed old bastard by shining a light in his bigass popeye 'til the old dude has a heart attack. Then the Emo hides him in the floor and has a total guilt trip when the cops show up. He gets busted. Emo's are dumb, huh-huh huh. (

Jane Austen - Sense and Sensibility: ("He was not handsome, and his manners required intimacy to make them pleasing.") He was an ugly slob, but damn good in bed! (

The prize this time around is quite a new year will soon be upon us and this will be mailed to you probably before 2007. Yes, that will be my New Year's mail prizes out like I used to. I know you are probably on the edge of your seat about now yelling at the computer..."Well....what IS it...don't keep us in suspense any longer!" Okay, okay...I'll ease you back down and tell you. It's a 2006 calendar from USAA, replete with quotes from famous people, like Douglas MacArthur, John Quincy Adams, Ted Williams, and Dick Cheney. I think they would have quoted Bush, but they couldn't figure out how to disengage the spell checker so they just said "the hell with it". Anyway, it has a bunch of photos of planes and patriotic scenes of various kinds...and will be yours IF you win the Tweak this time around. (Photo to follow shortly...and this time we mean it.)

Converted Christmas Songs II

We ran this before and you guys did such a bang-up job...well, it just begged to be rehased. So, here goes nearly the same write up as worked then...hopefully it will work as well this time:

Well, Leis and I were talking the other day, and he posed this question to me..."How come there aren't really any other holidays with as many songs like Christmas has?". Well, me, always looking for a Tweak idea wherever I can find them, thought this might make an interesting contest. So, for his idea which spawned this, he gets an origami creation of his choice. What we want you to do is to use the melody of an actual Christmas song (please keep these to pretty well known ones...nothing really obscure like the Official Christmas Song of Djibouti or anything)...and change the lyrics around (heck, we'll even encourage you to use some of the original words if you want) to fit another holiday. Now, if you want to do more than a couple lines, that is fine with us...remember it is quality we are looking for, not quantity, tho. Of course, being silly, funny, witty and/or off-the-wall are definite plusses. Please also give us the original Christmas song and the holiday which you are using...this will help us and everyone else out when we try to sing along. Here are a couple quite lame examples (we know you will do much, much better) I came up with last time around.


Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer/New Year's Eve: Grandma got run over by my humvee....coming home from "Friday's" New Year's Eve...I was not the designated driver...but no one tried to take away my keys.

Deck the Halls/Easter: Deck the halls with furry la la la la la la la la...Go find those eggs before they smell funnies...fa la la la la la la la la

The Little Drummer Boy/Thanksgiving: Pull they told me - pa rum pum pum pum....And then a wish will rum pum pum pum....Yes! I got the big rum pum pum pum...Oh stop your whining my friend...Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum. So there's always next year....when we come....back.